I have always wanted more intimacy than she has given me. I have a higher sex drive, and I am much more touchy feely than she is. So, no, our history is not the best when it comes to intimacy. There are several extenuating circumstances, but that's a short history.
The odd thing is that since we've been talking about this, we have actually been more intimate. I have been working on some of my issues, and she has been more attentive to me
Let me clarify -- EMOTIONAL intimacy. I was not talking about the body intimacy of sex or the mental intimacy of thoughts and ideas shared. Or spiritual intimacy of laying one's soul bare to another. I meant emotional
With the communication issues you guys have? I was wondering how you can possibly create safe emotional space to enjoy emotional intimacy with each other and sharing of FEELINGS. Can you and do you go to your spouse for Shared Vulnerable? Can /does she come to you?
If you open, poly brings on a bunch of feelings and emotional management is going to be a big factor. If you don't even communicate well now in monoship, how will that fly in polyship?
It is not odd to me that you may find yourselves more body intimate with touching/sex (that's what I infer) since you've been talking more heart-to-heart. Sex can be an expression of sex all by itself. Just the body bucket. But sex can also be a high expression of love -- in the heart bucket.
For myself? I'm not up for casual sex. However when mind intimacy and heart intimacy happens? Body isn't too far behind!
So I said that I understood, but that I still wanted the opportunity to meet them. I feel pretty strongly about being able to look them in the eye, get a sense for their personality, see what their motivations are. I told her that they would have to know in no uncertain terms that I will always come first in the grand scheme, and I think it would help me accept it if I could see that they understood that. If they are serious about being a secondary in an open relationship, they should be more than willing to oblige me.
So it sounds like you would want a primary-secondary style model of open relationship
. Is this what she wants?
Then later -- is this what the dating partner would want? How does she plan to ask the dating partner what they want?
To that she said she would rather choose not dating then. She wouldn't be comfortable with that aspect of it because she thinks I just want to get into some big pissing match with the other guy because I really don't want her to do this.
If this is a dealbreaker limit for you "Date, but I have to meet them" and she would rather CLOSE than open. Close then.
It is not the time. Go back to education and introspection to see WHY she cannot meet this reasonable request.
Is she PROJECTING her insecure/fear stuff at you? Is that why? She worries she can't handle poly well?
Or is this her REFLECTING past experience at you? Because in the past you have not created safe emotional space for her to share emotional talk in?
What insecure is that speaking to?
- Insecure that you won't agree to Open? (And you do not have to agree. You could prefer to break up if you cannot come to compromise. Then she can pursue polyshipping on her own. Everyone is in charge of their OWN behavior. Everyone is adult.)
- Insecure that she wants to be Open but doesn't have the personal skills to do it WELL? (What skills? Emotional articulation? Conflict resolution? Jealousy management?)
- Insecure that she is going to be judged by you? Fearful of dealing with jealousy issues?
- Insecure that she is ..... (something I cannot guess at? What could it be?)
But as I said, I feel pretty strongly about this. I mean, I am trusting her to go out and date and have sex with other guys. Shouldn't she trust me enough to let me meet the person once? Am I asking too much? I really don't think I am, but I wanted to see what others thought.
Speaking as a married who is talking about Opening? I expect to bring my dating partner round the house to meet DH. I would expect him to do same. I am entrusting the care and well being of my partner to a stranger. Well, I want them to NOT be a a stranger! Work on building trust has to happen. I can't trust someone I don't meet, know, or spend some time with. I don't have to be their best friend or shopping buddy, but I do want to put face to name and get a sense of the person. So I can try to be a polite metamour and be in a harmonious polyship here.
If they end up smothering my DH with a pillow I want to be able to call the cops and jail their sorry selves! I exaggerate to make a point.
Parents do this for their children when they start to date. Not that the spouse is your mommy or your daddy. When I was a single woman I would have a friend check out my dates and leave "in case of emergency" info somewhere with someone. Nobody wants to be a hermit. Neither do you want to turn up missing and nobody know what happened!
How is general concern over your wife's well being and the company she keeps a horrible thing? I am not hearing you saying "NO." I am hearing you saying "Go slow, go easy on me, go safe."