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Old 10-28-2012, 03:59 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,616

Originally Posted by Perseus View Post
... we come at a point where I have to make a choice. Either stay with her in a mono, or break up and solo poly (for now).

I'm at an impasse here, and can't seem to make a breakthrough:

1) I could go for mono but I have some concerns about my survivability in a mono relationship. Especially when I look back (at other relationships and breakups) with the knowledge I know possess.

2) Breakup
This is the point where I expect Galagirl to come in with a great organized flow-chart of possibilities and wisdom - but I am not her, so I will muddle through with my own impressions.

Originally Posted by Perseus View Post
... wait I forgot one bit.

With all this stuff going on and the last two years being chaos I have some serious doubts about poly working out in real life outside my head. It's fine to have it in your head/heart but with my current experiences I'm a bit pessimistic about it all.
We are all heavily influenced by our own recent experiences - it's called "recency bias" and causes us to make logical errors in many areas of our lives (I usually see this references in financial and investing forums, gamblers/poker players have to guard against this a lot).

Fact is, polyamory has a lot of challenges - but relationships in general have many challenges. Listening to people at work talk about their miserable marriages all day might lead me to have serious doubts about matrimony working out in real life. But it does work for some people some of the time - me for instance (on both the polyamory and the matrimony front).

Originally Posted by Perseus View Post
It seems that doing things in secret pays off more than doing it out in the open. So much for honesty working out. Lurking on these forums shows a lot of other people having major issues and not many seem to get it working.
This is like the whole "Crime doesn't pay." statement - sure it does, sometimes. But usually for the short-term and usually the potential consequences outweigh the potential benefits. "Doing things in secret" may get people what they think they want right now - at the cost of ever being able to know what it is like to have a fully open, honest, sharing relationship. Is a relationship based on lies worth having?

Originally Posted by Perseus View Post
So back to point nr. 2: Break up, but with serious doubts I will get in working in the future. And losing a very special person. The NRE wore off long ago and I can still say she is amazing And does this poly thing even work out?
Just because you love someone and they are amazing doesn't mean that that you are right for each other in this relationship right now. But I think that it is dangerous to base your decision on whether to stay with someone or not on whether or not poly can work. That's like someone who stays in an unhealthy relationship because "what if I never find someone else?"

What if someone had a crystal ball and gave you a worst-case answer? "Yes, poly can work - but YOU are never going to be in a successful poly relationship." There. Now back to the question at hand - is the relationship that you are in currently healthy for the two of you? Are your needs/wants/goals in life compatible and being met? What if that crystal ball came back with a different worst-case answer? "Yes, mono can work - but YOU will always feels stifled in this relationship and 10 years down the road she will leave you because you are disgruntled all the time."

My point here is that you can't base your decision on what will happen in the future - because there is NO way of knowing that. You make decisions based on what you know now, and whether that decision gets you closer or farther away from your goals - knowing that those goals may change down the road.


We tend to focus on the hardships of the early stages of forming poly relationships on this forum because that is what brings a lot of people here. Once things have settled down and everyone is happy the posting tends to fall off. You might want to check out the Sharing Success and Happiness thread. Or reading the blogs/posts of some of our members who are in long-term successful poly relationships. (RedPepper, TruckerPete, Phy, ThatGirlinGrey...OK, my list is slanted to polytangles that involve a successful MFM Vee - because that is my own config...but you get my drift)

Good luck!

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (5+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic girlfriend and BFF
Lotus: "it's complicated"
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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