View Single Post
Old 12-18-2009, 04:01 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
passion is a double edged blade. We have to be wary of it and not cut off our humanity.
Thanks for the response GS, I appreciate it... I'm struggling to really put across what I mean. I get so hurt by others and their lack of being able to just "be" in relationships... there always seems to have to be some drama or point made. Is it that people just feel like they have to fulfill their potential, or is it that they just need to be right? Is it that their passion cuts off their humanity like a double edged sword? I don't know?

I find that the path to being more human is to embrace other humans for what they are and where they are at. Nothing more, nothing less. It's about really loving the other for where they are at. Much of what I think is in what Mono says... I'm not saying that I'm perfect at it but I have learned some lessons in the last couple of years that have lead me to really strive to be completely open to who people are. I doubt I would of been able to allow the people that are in my life now in if I hadn't of been through that.

What made me learn this?

Well, I was charged, through Canadian human rights, by a Chinese Canadian woman I worked with with racism and sexism. For two years she battled me in court to get money out of me and blacken my name because she took something I said out of context and decided that I was racist and sexist.

Eventually she was paid off. She had no case, but instead decided that she was going to make it all last as long as possible by getting doctors notes so she wouldn't have to go to court. The letters were legit in that she was very ill.

I was devestated. She was a good friend of mine... hung out with me on my maternity leave with my child, sought my opinion as I sought hers. We were good friends.... and close co-workers.

During that time I became a shell of myself and it effected my family greatly. I lost a child in my second trimester because of the stress. It's in my nature and because of how I was raised that I take these things on more than perhaps I should, she saw that in me and prayed upon that.

Well. Now I consider what happened a huge gift. I am actually grateful to her for forcing me to face up to big issues I had, that of feeling like everything is my fault and that if I don't give EVERYTHING of myself that I am not doing enough.... it's because of her that I was able to face up to my parents this fall and stop taking their shit. It's because of her that I know how real racism affects peoples judgment of others to the point where they can't have a real friend for fear that they are judging them.

I guess my point is, and the lesson I learned was that everyone has stuff they work on, sometimes they are all knowing and self righteous and unwilling to realize that sometimes things are not what they seem and are in fact nothing to do with them. My experience has lead me to believe that everyone is deserving of love, but not at the jeopardy of "me." I also realize that regardless of what I think is wrong, there should always be room for me to say I'm sorry that you feel that way, I didn't mean to insult you... or whatever.

My story about the friend I thought I could be more intimate with was that I seem to be unable to settle for anything less than a balance in people and a degree of depth and passion. I have lived the life of an activist, and completely immersed in the "theory" of things and have had it thrown in my face because I thought I knew something. I have tons of experience in diverse communities of many kinds and pride myself in taking on my own inner racism etc and turning it out so I can make myself vulnerable enough to move forward and learn from others and my own culture, yet was STILL told I was racist.... simply by telling someone who is Chinese Canadian that I thought they looked good in yellow.

There is no where to turn where we will be safe from ourselves and others harm, no where, we are all equally dangerous as we are equally accepting, loving, respectful and compassionate. It's a choice that we all make..... I for one chose to be what I said in my first post as much as I can....

"To me it is very important to be respectful, compassionate, and meet people where they are at as much as I can, yet push them a bit to see alternative ways of being. I find that manners go a long way. I find that expressing when I think someone has done a good job goes a long way to them feeling that they are on a positive track. I find that when I express what I feel either "good" feelings or "bad" also goes along way in helping others get to the bottom of their issues."

I learned this from my friend. I have learned even more from listening to stories and responding on this forum.

Just an addition... I have also learned this from the team I work on... I work with some very strong minded women that are all very different. We tolerate one another on a daily basis and, in time, have grown to love each other. One of my co-worker never talks about her feelings but only facts and details. I can't keep that all straight in my head and she gets frustrated with me when I ask for the third time what is happening when. I, on the other hand, am able to strategize about how to handle situations and can easily empathize with what might be going on for someone and be able to offer suggestions that we quite often go with. Together we make a good team.

I just want to know how people promote/embrace differences in their poly relationships and how they are able to deal with different minded people? Poly theory people and more emotional... if in fact they do? Are they really so different that it is impossible? Of course there is a mix in all of us I realize..

I am hopeful that there can be a balance but at the same time have not heard of any groups in a poly family or poly situation where their is such a diverse group... it seems that like minded people group together.

I hope that gives enough example as to where I am coming from.

Wow that was long, sorry folks
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote