This is my husband
I totally get your frustration!!! Step back, breath, now do some research.
I recently realized that my husband is not slightly passive aggressive, but instead extremely, nearly textbook, passive aggressive. We actually got into an argument of his definition vs my definition and where he was way off based, I was only minutely correct. While just knowing is not all that helpful, except to re-affirm that I'm not going completely mad, it can also give you an understanding HOW to communicate with certain types of personalities.
Unfortunately, with my husband and I it may be too little too late, but things make a great deal more sense to me now and I'm willing to ignore or at least not take certain comments or behavior personally. This whole incident sounds like a case of LACK OF COMMUNICATION. You didn't make your issues known before you started pouting and brooding and they didn't let you know that your behavior was pushing them away, etc.
YES, they truly do NOT comprehend how the lying could actually hurt more. Then again, they also can't see (no matter how many times you tell them or they witness it) how the fall out of they lie could actually be worse than the initial reaction. Mind boggling, but true.
I HIGHLY recommend the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, in addition, find books and articles on communication that you guys can discuss and work on together. Find articles that describe you and each of your partners, ask them to do the same. You might be surprised at how much your view of your communication style differs from their view and vice versa.
It sounds like she doesn't want to lose you, but the status quo is NOT working, so change the status quo.