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Old 10-27-2012, 08:12 AM
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Helo Helo is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: California
Posts: 278

I'm going to preface this with my standard boilerplate: I'm going to be very direct with my responses. Please dont mistake my lack of patience for hand-holding with contempt or irritation. I wish you the happiest outcome possible, I just believe in being very direct with people and not beating around the bush.

Originally Posted by lolita View Post
Hi everyone,

I have spent some time reading through some post's.I am trying to get a better understanding of the road I am heading down.

Okay so I am Mono and my husband is Poly...
Red flag number one. Mono and poly does not mix. That's one of the first things I learned (both imparted to me by others and from firsthand experience). When it comes to relationships, you can really only have a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship. If your ideal is a monogamous relationship and his is non-monogamous, eventually one of you will be unhappy with the relationship because it will be something you're not comfortable in.

We have had threesomes in the past, which was fine but I don't want to go there for myself anymore.
He had an emotional affair (I say affair because it was without my knowledge) We were at a different place in our marriage then. It took time but with a lot of communication,tears and time I got over it.
Not quite a red flag, pink maybe. Polyamory is built on openness and trust. I dont know him or you well enough to comment on that part very deeply as it may have been an honest mistake on his part or deliberate deception.

There is now a new girl in the picture, it has been building between them for a few months now.I have seen it and he has told me about their discussions and flirting, she is our mutual hairstylist. So tonight he is going for a haircut and their 1st date.
Its a good indication that he's been upfront about her with you.

Am I allowed to ask questions?
You'd better be. Unless you're looking for the new lady's blood type and any possibly lethal food allergies, you have a right to ask questions about this new person in your life.

That's a bit sketchier. Some people have a "DADT" (Dont Ask, Dont Tell) policy with this sort of thing which, from what I've seen (which is admittedly limited), that works out in the long-term about as well as a screen door on a submarine. Realistically you have to just sit down with your husband and work that out for yourselves.

Why do I feel so insecure?
Because she is 10 yrs younger?
Because she excites him?
Because you're monogamous and you're unable to separate yourself from the "Why am I not enough?" question.

As to the others, very possibly. Those are questions you have to ask yourself.

On a purely personal note, younger doesn't necessarily mean more attractive. If I see a message on OKC from someone who is 18-19 I automatically click to "Ahhh crap" because I remember how stupid I was at 18-19 and I want to tell them to come back when they're 22 and know everything XD. I've also found myself developing a bit of a crush on a (monogamous ) co-worker who is twice my age and she is quite lovely.

Will she take over from me?
I dont think anyone here knows the answer to that beyond speculation.

How do I be a good mono wife to my Poly husband?
My advice, frankly, is to not be. Like I said, your relationship is either monogamous or it isn't and whichever path you choose, one of you will be unhappy sooner or later because you're a fish swimming in the wrong kind of water.

I'm mad a t myself for feeling insecure and jealous...
Its natural, nothing to beat yourself up over. Best thing to do is ask yourself WHY you feel that way.

What do you do with yourself when they are out together???
Cant really answer this as my lady friend has expressed no interest in other partners while she's still in school, but I do get kind of a giggly feeling when she talks about a guy in one of her ECE classes she's been crushing on lately.

Last edited by Helo; 10-27-2012 at 08:17 AM.
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