It continually amazes me to see so many people who don't do that. I seems so obvious that if someone is "really poly", meaning they ARE in love with both of these people, they should be ALREADY appreciative of what the established partner may be going through.
I see that too. But I'm not especially amazed. People are people. *shrug*
The people may feel love for their partners. Merely being in love means nothing in their other
skill buckets. All it shows is that they can feel "being in love" -ness.
They may not all have other interpersonal skills to the same degree as all other polyship partners. For all the polyship people to be able to
- "put myself in the other guy's shoes" to be able to just "guess" what may be needed by the established partner
- have the courage to just ASK what the partner may need or want right now. Some people have weak communication skills (articulating or listening) or weak conflict resolution skills. (willingness to not blame but take responsibility for moving it forward)
- may not have fully developed in all 6 of their maturity types to the same degree as their poly partners -- chronological, physical, intellectual, emotional, social, philosophical. That can throw another monkey wrench in coming to compromise.
People in first polyships are also floundering a bit. You can read all the recipes you want for how to bake a loaf of bread. But til you actually try to bake a loaf of bread? You have only have some knowledge. You have no direct experience. That can be a monkey wrench.
I wonder if Sarah and John are emotionally flooded. That's something else to contend with too -- another monkey wrench.
BREATHE. Take it slow. Have faith that one way or another it will all come out in the wash.
It may not be especially FUN to feel right now sorting out possible monkey wrenches in this situation, but planet will still keep on spinning. Time WILL pass.
Something else will emerge -- a new outlook, a new perspective, a change in willingness in one of the players, a change in emotional volume. Something.
No amount of pushing on the floor will make the Earth spin faster than it does: 24 hrs in a day only, 7 days a week.
So keep talking by appointment, and the rest of the time try to have some NORMAL life somewhere in there.