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Old 10-27-2012, 01:45 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,647

You are very stuck on the kissing hello/goodbye. I see that you value that. I also see you fear being outed.

But John is bugging you on it without offering anything.
Sorry about that. I meant it like this...

"You two (the couple) are very stuck on the kissing hello/goodbye. I see you (Lydia) value that. I also see you (Lydia) fear being outed. But John is bugging you on it (ex: "WHY do you value that?") without offering any explanation on why this bugs him so. (ex: "I need to know why you value that so I can _____.")
I mean, you just DO value that. How can you (the couple) move on to talking about other things if you (the couple) are stuck on this one thing like a broken record?

If you (the couple) are stuck on that one, in negotiation talks could you (the couple) just "bookmark" that place and go "Alright, that place is a sticky place. Let's just note it and come back to that one on the repass. Move it forward to ID other weak points first."

John has agreed to stop questioning the validity of my need for exclusivity. That is a step forward. He's apologized for the first two instances of breaking my trust, and said those types of things wouldn't happen again. I think at the point what we need is simply time to build back the trust. These things don't get fixed overnight.
Thank goodness! Got UNSTUCK on that point. Whew!

As you continue to talk and try to problem solve, maybe you can try agreeing on the purpose of the talking session and time limit it so people do not emotional flood or you go round in circles endlessly? (Could google "emotional flooding" if you do not know what that is.)

"Ok. 1 hour meeting. Fridays at 9 PM. The purpose of THIS particular session is just to ID weak places and problem areas. Not to SOLVE them. Just to ID them. If we run out of time, we can set new appointment to ID. Repeat until all we can ID has been identified on Friday nights. Rest of the time? We try to live like normal people so we can have SOME normal back even as we deal with this elephant in the room and breaking it down."
Otherwise you keep getting stuck in places, keep living daily drama. These things really do NOT get solved over night. It helps to have SOME normal life in there somewhere.

Daily drama makes it feel all "ugh" for everyone like "Are we EVER going to get there?!" Exhausting.

I agree that you seem to need mostly a safe venting space -- so start a fresh blog thread. Or ask here in a post with a link to this thread to have a moderator move THIS tread to the blog area.

Hang in there.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-27-2012 at 01:50 AM.
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