View Single Post
Old 10-26-2012, 07:47 PM
Silkanie Silkanie is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 15

As a fourth year engineering student I spend about 20-30 hours a week at work, and about 30-40 hours around home doing homework/projects/studying and then another 18 hours in class/on campus waiting for classes. Once a week I go off and play table top with some of my friends for four ish hours and a couple of hours doing yard work. I typically go short on sleep because I can't sleep if I feel something is undone. As a software engineer I spend a lot of time waiting for things to run and compile which means a lot of time dwelling, time I used to spend writing quite a lot...but, I let my problems get in the way now and I don't know how to push them aside.

I would go out and do things, but I have to be around to pick up my work when it's ready again...I'm taking 15 credit hours and have four project heavy classes this semester, I'm sure it's not helping anything but the original idea was that I would be too busy to be lonely during the year 'yena was gone and instead it seems I've only made myself have more time to dwell...

I guess the positive conversations are helping though? Thinking about how to most honestly and accurately respond in some ways helps...I'm still trying to convince them to respond with emails at least once every couple of days, but the boys are working retail and it's the holiday season so the industry is barely less than 'abusive' through a day of work and 'yena is classes of english twice a week and learning spanish and working on building up a career as a freelance writer, ghost writer, and novelist.

One of the boys (my first partner of the group that I'll assign the label of kitten I'll call the other foxy so that we're calling everyone by something more specific now) talks to me every couple of days, and I'm the most secure about him and the way he responds to me, talks on IM with me every few days. I'm afraid to be putting too much a burden on him because he's always who hears about my insecurities and frustrations and who reassures me. 'Yena often vanishes for up to and over a week when things get tough, but we sneak in web cam conversations from time to time, more recently many of these have been canceled because the times for them conflict with unanticipated meetings for her work or in her exhaustion they slip her mind. Normally I'm fairly confident about her, but the separation and time dwelling gets at me...honestly it's never good when I think too long on myself and while I've come a long way since my childhood I don't know as I'll ever be 'all better'. Foxy is who I'm most concerned and most insecure about as he often only talks for short periods of time and I often don't have much of his attention because he'll be playing a game or trying to fix something. Some times he'll go to take care of a chore and say he'll be back, but then he just ends up crashing. Sometimes I get a chance to talk to him several times in a week, other times I don't see or hear from him for two weeks even though Kitten is always there to pass on a kiss for me or update me on his health and if he's doing ok at work and whatnot.
Reply With Quote