I want to take a moment to mention - this has all be extremely difficult on both John and Sarah. I say this not only because it's true, but because as you all give me your advice and insight I want you to keep it in mind that these are good people, just like you and me, who never set out to hurt either Mike or myself. It's complicated.
For them, this whole relationship has felt like one long good-bye.
Sarah's feeling like the few close friends she's confided in are judging her and telling her she's wrong. One of the subjects in contention is preserving my privacy. We all agreed that if we needed confidants, the others in the group had to agree to it first. In a fit of self-indulgent maliciousness, Mike "let it slip" to a mutual friend what was going on. This friend is a nice person, but just a few weeks before he absent mindedly talked about another couple's separation thinking that it was common knowledge. Mike wants to hurt John and myself, and doesn't care if he harms Sarah or even his own children in the process. But Sarah's friends told her that it should be okay for Mike to tell someone, and that it wasn't that big of a deal that he didn't talk to the three of us about it first.
Life isn't easy for Sarah. She's being asked to give up a lot for a husband who's been lieing to her, treating her like a posession, being passive aggressive and manipulative, and the world's biggest hypocrite. And here's John, who really is a wonderful and amazing person, and they're in love. I think if it weren't for the children, Sarah would have already left Mike. But he's a stay-at-home dad and they home school, so it's not the easiest thing in the world to just grab your clothes and your toothbrush and head out the door. With all the crap she's living through everyday, her children and her interactions with John are the brightest glimmers of light in her life.
And life isn't easy for John. He has so much difficulty getting close to others. His father left him and his two siblings and mother when he was a baby, and later died when he was 16, never to develop a relationship with him. His mother worked two jobs to try to support the family, and he was raised by the two older kids, until they were old enough to work as well. Because of that he was never close to his mother, or his oldest sibling, who by the time he was in kindergarten were out and working. He has no closeness in the world but me, Mike and Sarah. And then Mike not only ended their friendship but hates him. Wishes he could punch John in the face. Told him to die and go to hell. John loved Mike, let him into his heart. And he lost him. And now he's afraid he's going to lose Sarah too. Before any of this happened, I had only seen my husband cry once - when he talked about how sad it was that his father never felt like he could be a part of his children's lives before he died of what they are guessing was AIDS. But since all of this has happend, John has been weeping on a regular basis. The pain of guilt for not being the husband he should have been to me; the pain of losing Mike; the fear of losing Sarah... sure, these are emotional pains. Sure they are results of things in his control and out of his control. But the pain is real. And anyone who has experienced the pain of a kidney stone or child birth can tell you - when you're overwhelmed with pain - the world shrinks, the edges blur, and you're driven by the pain.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not excusing anyone's bad choices. I'm just explaining them. And I'm hoping you won't view these good people, who I love very much, as "the bad guys".
I asked them, as I said I would, if they'd like to join this thread. They've each read it, and said they didn't think they could. Sarah's already bombarded by friends who don't know the whole story telling her she's wrong, and John feels like since I'm the one telling the story you will only empathize with me as the protagonist.
Last edited by Lydia1; 10-26-2012 at 07:38 PM.
Reason: spelling mistakes