Ken came over this weekend to pick something up that Mono borrowed ages ago and to have a visit with him. He texted ahead of time to be sure I would be there as he wanted to see me too. I knew he was coming and had intended to just stay in my room, but agree, after his text, to say hello.
He looked the same; big smile, moving from one foot to the next, hands in pockets, obviously really glad to see me. We held each other in a warm hug for a long time and I enjoyed feeling him against me again; his presence. I was overwhelmed and didn't have much to say. I'm not sure if it was because it was the day of my show or because I was seeing him again after many months, or because my emotions hit me and a flood of thoughts about my co-worker, my sadness and hopelessness around him... But they were enough to knock me out until today, four days later. How can it possibly be that in the midst of four wonderful relationships that I can't let someone go and just be happy for him. I have tried to have compersion, but I am left feeling resentful and hurt by the situation. I guess I need more time. I guess its not helping to work with his gf. Constant reminder. Daily. Its fucked up our relationship for me I think.
I have started chatting with men again on okc lately in the hopes of working on friendships with people that want to hang out with me and my tribe. Its a long shot, but we all need friends right? Even if I have a full deck of loves. I have been going through that feeling of "fuck it, just get in touch with whomever you are missing and see if they want to chat" again. Maybe it was seeing Ken again? I just want to stay in touch some how. Make all the lose ends tied up again. Maybe I will just go ahead and do that. I feel like working on friendships lately...
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM