Yesterday I spent the day with my ex-boyfriend. Last guy I dated before I married Maca.
The first year or so was awkward for Maca, but we've retained a friendship since we broke up and I'm glad and proud of that.
My friend called me last week, he'd had a VERY traumatizing week.
His friend had flipped out violently and attacked several people in the house. It took two of them to restrain him. My friend had to put him in a choke hold before they were able to maneuver him to the ground where they could keep him restrained. After some time he had calmed and they released him-but it was a facade and he flipped out again. They again struggled to get him to the ground and kept him pinned down until the police arrived.
The police got him in handcuffs, at which point he was struggling to breathe and his lips turned blue. They removed the cuffs and got him laid back out on the floor. My friend is trained in CPR-he started CPR with the officer backing him up. They continued until an ambulance arrived 20 minutes later. But-it was to no avail. The guy died.
My friend is struggling with unanswerable questions regarding what he might have done differently and whether or not their struggle had something to do with the death. There's no real way to know at this point.
But, the fact that he called me, told me, he needed support of his friends and family.
So, I listened and then called back a couple days later to listen some more and yesterday spent 3 hours hanging out at his place talking and listening.
I feel good knowing that I can be there, that my friends know its ok to call me and share their vulnerabilities with me.
The other part of what struck me was this.
I love this guy-I already knew that.
But, it's been an ongoing discussion (for years now) between Maca and I. He can't understand WHAT it is that makes me decide to have sex with someone or not. It's hard to explain-because loving someone isn't it for me. Finding someone sexually attractive sure as hell isn't it either.
But-yesterday it dawned on me-that when someone I love also shares their vulnerabilities with me, that is when my interest in sex with them is peaked.
Mind you-I didn't and don't intend to have sex with my ex. Neither he or I is dumb enough to think that we're suddenly compatible now just because he's struggling with a high emotional experience.
However, I did realize that for me-that is one of the keys to getting to the part of me that will CONSIDER sex with someone. They have to be vulnerable to me.
It is easy for me to look at someone who is hot as hell and not go there-because unless they are making themselves vulnerable to me, showing me their insides, showing me their weaknesses (which so few people really do) my sex drive doesn't even get triggered.
mutual emotional bond and mutual sharing of vulnerabilities
before I can even start to consider wanting to share sex with another person.....
"Love As Thou Wilt"