new-found jealousy as relationship deepens?
Hey there Poly People,
So, one of my partners, letís call her ĎTaraí, and I have been together for about half a year. We both have other partners, and this has been lovely. In the last few months, having moved past the honeymoon and subsequent work, we have been really falling in love. We spend a lot of time together, support each other in our endeavors, and the relationship has generally been feeling much more grounded and real. Thereís a lot of love, and talk of sharing space.
Before we met she had met a fellow, lets call him ĎMarkí from a nearby town a few times for coffee, and he was interested in more. They have not been in contact for quite a while, partially for logistical reasons and partially because Tara did not feel as though she had the energy to invest. Mark recently made room in his schedule to come down here (no small feat since he is a single dad, and she travels there for team practice with some regularity) and see her.
Somehow the idea of Tara being intimate with someone who does not know or necessarily respect her makes me twitchy. Itís easy for me to feel totally supportive of her other long-term relationships, because it seems as though those people love her deeply and thereís trust and respect there. But while Iíve been in a few poly relationships now, Iím realizing that Iíve never faced this situation of really caring for someone a great deal and having someone that they donít know well be romantically interested in them.
Intellectually, I can see that I am using a sort of fucked-up double standard here, because I was that guy, right? I thought she was absolutely stunning when we met, and there was a romantic interest right away. Also, I can imagine myself finding another partner and that being healthy and awesome. I can also imagine her finding another partner and that being healthy and awesome. But the imagining is much easier than the possible blossoming reality. All of this makes sense in my mind, but not yet in my heart.
Taraís totally cool with not having any intimacy with Mark until we have more clarity with this, which I think is wise. Unfortunately, it makes me feel as though Iím sort of preventing her from doing something that could be fun and awesome for her.
So I guess Iím just looking for advice on letting go of that internalized cultural programming. How do I speak to my heart and feel supportive and loving of her (and myself) exploring new loves?
One thing that crossed my mind was that Iíd sort of like to meet Mark. I think if I thought of him as a real, dynamic, multifaceted person that I got along with it might help me relax around this some. Would it be reasonable to want to meet my partnerís perspective partners? Anyone have experience with that, or is it sort of possessive and uncouth?
Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.
Much love everybody,