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Old 10-25-2012, 05:31 PM
Lydia1 Lydia1 is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 28

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Hrm. I'm sensing some vocabulary used in ways I don't use them. Just to calibrate so we're both talking about the same thing... here's a list of open relationship models.

That could be a talking tool also when talking to John and Sarah to see WHAT kind of model you each are all talking about here.
I just read through the vocabulary document. I guess what we originally agreed to was 1a - The Primary Secondary Model of Swingers with no emotional involvement or committment (beyond of course the already existing friendship). But that's not where we are, now that Sarah and John have fallen in love. At first I thought I would be okay with it becoming more of 1c -the Primary Secondary Model with an outside relationship. But then as our marriage was harmed, I no longer believed that 1c was viable. And what I experienced is actually listed as the Con in the document:

However, a major drawback of this model is that outside relationships are not so simple or easy to predict or control. Having a sexual relationship with someone else often leads to becoming emotionally involved and even falling in love, frequently causing a crisis in the primary relationship and even divorce. Initiating a sexual relationship is opening a door to many possibilities, and often secondary relationships grow into something else which does not fit neatly into the confines of this model. Many people who become "secondary" lovers become angry at being subjugated to the couple, and demand equality or end the relationship. For this model to be successful, couples must be very convinced that their relationship is strong enough to weather these ups and downs. Conversely, some couples who start with this model decide eventually to shift to some form of the Multiple Primary Partners model to allow secondary relationships to become equal to the primary couple relationship.

Option 2 - Multiple Primary Partners, is not an option, and Option 3 - Multiple Non-Primary partners is not an option.

The option we're attempting isn't on the page, because option 1c (which is closest) involves a fully fledged relationship with sex between John and Sarah. I want to be the only one for John in certain things, whereas I feel like I can share with other things. It's monogamy with caveats, or I guess some sort of hybrid between monogamy and polyamory.

The main issue seems to be communication break down stuff happening here. People not knowing their wants, needs, and limits and articulating them in a clear way.
John and I talked last night. I asked him to tell me what his needs are, and he said he didn't feel that he could, because he thought I would just say no, so what's the point. He wants me to tell him what the limits are for what he and Sarah can do, and then he'll make he decision about what he wants to do (which include, break up with Sarah, break up with me, or try this hybrid thing). I said I didn't think that was best - because if I have no idea what his needs are I'm working in the dark. For instance, if what matters to me is some combination of frequency of his dates and length of his dates, I might say that X is the limit - but maybe the length matters more to him than the frequency. I think that explanation helped him, but he's still holding back a lot.

This "truly polaymorous" thing is confusing to me. I do not know how you mean that. I think you might mean you are not a TRIAD? Where all three people are lovers with each other?
What I mean is - we would be a married couple, and he would be allowed to spend time with and do something things with Sarah, but he can't have a fully fledged romantic and sexual relationship with her. Sarah and I would never be on the same level, or even in the same catagory.

To me you are not "monogamous" if you swing. You are in an open relationship model. It is a primary-secondary thing of a swinging style configuration.
I think the key difference is - we weren't suposed to be in a romantic relationship with anyone but each other. This was my first experience with anything of the kind, and John's only experience in the past was a miss-fired threesome where the other guy lost it and left almost immediately. If I had known at the time that swinging would threaten our monogamy, I definitely would not have attempted it in any way. But here we are.

Also, neither John or I would categorize ourselves as "Open" - it's not like if Sarah doesn't work out, someday there might be someone else. This is it.
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