Trying to view things Differently
It's been just over a week since I broke up with Chipmunk.
We talked about it, and she asked to try again with me. I told her no, that I can't, that I see us as broken up.
The next day I told her I didn't want her to see it as a rejection, just that I don't have it in me to date her right now, knowing that she's not into women like that.
Last night I talked to Airyn about it. Trying to understand why.
It started with me bring up my last heavy conversation with Airyn. I told him that nothing he said was wrong, but that he may not have fully understood what I was telling him. That when I say I want 2 days a week and at least 1 weekend a month that that gives him 3-5 day to "live" with someone else. He was quite for a moment. Then he agreed that he may not have truly looked at the amount of time like that. That he was feeling like Chipmunk moving out would really limit how much time he could comfortably spend with her. Then he told me to stop thinking so much about it.
Why do I spend so much energy putting her mental, and emotional health and well being in front of my own. Airyn has done this too, and I get angry with him about it sometimes. He usually responds confused, telling me that I was just thinking/acting the same way, why is it that when he does the same thing I get upset.
I told him that it is because I don't understand, that I feel like I'm less important. That my emotional, and mental health don't matter as much. That I do this to myself, and don't understand WHY? We talked for a long time. Airyn tells me that for him it's not that Chipmunks emotions are more important, but that he feels responsible for her. Because we brought her into this. That we talked her into this, she wasn't asking for it. We told her how great, wonderful, and amazing this life can be. And he feels responsible when things aren't working as well.
Hearing this helped. I realized that that's it. That I do feel responsible, guilty even. That I talked her into moving in, and things didn't turn out how we planned.
Then I told him how rejected I have been feeling, and he's telling me that it's not really like that. That Chipmunk isn't rejecting me. That she does want to be with me, she's just not gay. That she learned that she does want the girl flirty closeness, but that girl on girl sex, she just can't go there. They went out Tuesday to walk around Downtown, and stopped for dinner together afterwards. Chipmunk told him that she is sad, and hurt that I didn't want to try again. Obviously her hurt isn't the same as what I'm feeling, but she is hurt. Airyn told me that he said it's not that I don't want to, but that I know she's not gay. That she can't go as far with it as I want to, Chipmunk acknowledged this while they were talking.
So he's telling me that she's not rejecting me. That I need to let go of these feelings. He's telling me to stop over analyzing the things that make me feel better. To just let myself heal, and feel better. To stop worrying so much about the future. It's not here yet. Just take things one day at a time.
Then he tells me to go back to sleep. That I have to get up in a couple hours and I need my rest. He tells me we can talk about it more tomorrow, that he'll ask me how I'm feeling after I'm done thinking about things. He asked me again to not over analyze. That if our chat just now has help me to just let it be.
I told him that I will try. That I'm just trying to understand how I feel. That sometimes I don't understand what I'm feeling. That this not understanding makes it hard to talk about.
So we are working on it.
Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).
No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.
Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
Last edited by Numina; 10-25-2012 at 08:47 AM.