Originally Posted by miossotty
Was I wrong for reacting the way I did in that first fight?
Does it seem like he's using poly as a cover for wanting to have as many relationships as possible sans the guilt? In my darkest moments, I've felt that way but the pessimist in me can be very strong and deceitful so I'm not sure if it's just making things up because I've been betrayed so much in my life. I've been prone to self-fulfilling prophecies as a result of negative thinking and it's something I've worked very hard to change in myself.
Am I giving myself false hope by believing we can get back to where we were and maybe come out stronger?
I'll respond just because I hate to see no responses!
You mean that fight that was a discussion, that he decided to label a fight so you could feel bad for having a fight instead feeling good that you were trying to discuss what was going on so you could be clear about what is going on?
I think it doesn't matter why he is using poly as the reasoning for what he is doing, he is for some reason choosing to pretty much only date monogamous women, making a hell of a lot of drama along the way for everybody. He sounds like he is not in a mature place in his life, and he is actively acting out to push people away. That's hard enough to deal with in person, in a LD mono/poly relationship, that's a giant burden, especially if he's not actively trying to work on it with counseling.
So what if he feels guilty for not seeing his family if he visits, that's something for him to deal with. It's not very fair to get into multiple long distance relationships then put the burden of all the travel on his girlfriends so he isn't inconvenienced. Let him visit you half the time if you want to continue the relationship. He doesn't have to mention visiting town, and really, a grown up can say "I'm visiting my girlfriend and am not free to visit family because we will be busy together." If you haven't seen him for 6 months and he's not making the effort to come visit you, I think that says a lot.
He kept being sexual with somebody else from you for for two months before telling you? He lacks self worth but isn't doing anything about it except dating multiple women who would like to be monogamous with him instead of seeing it's not good for anybody and stopping the cycle? He treats somebody working really hard to support him in being poly shabbily?
I don't remember if you are both going to be living in the same city at some point in the next year or so, but if not - no, I don't think you will come out stronger, and I would guess that getting back to where you were would take a couple of years (of both of you trying, not just you), counseling and learning communication skills on his end at the least. Sorry, I'm sure that's not what you want to hear, but that is my feeling on the situation.
edit: I'll suggest this book, when I was struggling with a relationship, and I loved him, but the relationship still wasn't working well, it helped me a lot to disengage from "but I love him" to "is this relationship a good and healthy one for me to be in" I hate seeing people suffer and suffer because they love somebody, instead of being able to look at things objectively and make good choices for themselves. Love is Never Enough