Closing in on Today: Part 4
It's getting close to Noon, so I go wake them up. They both seem relaxed and happy. Airyn asks Chipmunk if she will tell me what happened last night, but she gets shy and embarrassed. Says she doesn't want to tell, but that he can tell me later. I tell her that I may already know. She looks at me strange, and I say think about the webpage you guys left up last for me to see this morning. They think about it and Airyn says well she knows part of it we should tell her the rest. Chipmunk is still uncomfortable and just say wait till i leave the room. I ask a question about the pages they were looking at, get an honest answer, and tell Chipmunk that i can guess what the other part is. She leaves the room and I tell Airyn, She had her first orgasm last night didn't she. He tells me about it. About how she was mild and he didn't really believe it. He told her not to tell him that just to make him feel better, but she was positive, and so very happy and smiling that he was convinced. She asked him to try again immediately, but he told her that's just trying to hard. I hugged her and remarked that now it should be easier. Even if it take a while before she gets there again at least she knows she can and she can stop thinking that she's broken.
So it's confirmed, we all had a happy moment, then it hits me. I WANTED that. I wanted to experience that. I realize that this is a happy day for them, and that I'm getting upset. So I go off to check on our pets, and am working on our snakes cage. Trying to work out why I'm being upset. I'm not interested in pursuing Chipmunk any more. I decide at first that it is because I had always thought we would get there together as a group. and not just the two of them. Airyn comes into check on me. I tell him I just need a minute, and that I'm taking care of our pet. Before he leave I pull him into a hug, and whisper to him that I always thought it would be us. He hugs me back and says a very heart felt I'm so sorry Numina, don't be upset. (Just writing about it makes me sad.) So I get my self together. and we go out for a fun outing around town. We take Chipmunk to a coffee house she's not been to before. We stop in at a Michael's to do some hobbie/craft shopping together. Then off to Target to get some something for Chipmunks Halloween costume, then a store where she can pick out a short petty coat to wear under her costume's skirt. All in all a good day.
That evening I'm talking to Airyn at bed time. And tell him that it's not so much that about thinking it would be a group thing, but that I wanted to get to experience that with a women. That it's right in front of me, and I don't get to. That Chipmunk is't bisexual. that she's not interested in a physical relationship with me. Talking about how hurt I am, and how I want some space and separation. That right now, with Chipmunk and I being broken up I don't want her here. I'm sad, upset, hurt. I'm saying things that I really shouldn't. Airyn is at a loss. He knows how hurt I have been with all this, how I feel that I was mislead. I tell him that it's not really Chipmunks fault. She didn't know that she wouldn't be comfortable, she thought she was bi and she's not. But I am and I really wanted this. Chipmunk has to be up really early the next day so she joins me in the bed. I talk to her. I'm not as upset as I was, but I'm telling her that it's hard for me. That I don't want her going off for a couple hours with her mom when she see me getting sad about the lack of time and space. That what I actually want is a day. A whole day. a couple days a week, and a weekend or two a month. I tell her that it's not her fault that I know she didn't come into this knowing how things would turn out. I also tell her know this does not change how it feel, does not change that it hurts me. I tell her that we have both learned something. She learned that she doesn't want a full on physical relationship with a women, and I learned that I really do. That I'm glad she had her first orgasm that she proved me right she's not broken, just difficult. We kinda laugh at that. Then I tell her that it also makes me sad because I wanted to experience that, but can't with her.
She offers to try again with me, but I tell her no. That I consider myself to have broken up with her. That she's not bisexual, and doesn't want that type of relationship with me. We talk about how we still like cuddling together, and kissing, holding hands. Airyn joins us for a bit. I tell him that she and I have talked. He looks relieved. I tell Chipmunk that these are the thing Airyn and I have been talking about. I tell her that Airyn has always had my permission to share our conversations with her. She tells me that he doesn't always. I tell Chipmunk that this is because he doesn't want to make her feel worse, and that some times he just doesn't know what to say. I explain that when Airyn and I were talk today that he was telling me that he feels like he has to convince her of what he's saying, and that that is hard for him. So while he's in the room I ask if there is anything that I have left out. If Airyn has told her something about my issues that I haven't shared with her. Airyn tells us that it helps when these thing are coming from the source, that sometimes he just doesn't know what to say. I tell her that it's been really hard for me to talk to her because of how hurt I have been. I tell Chipmunk that I have known for a long while that she wasn't bi, but that I didn't want to really see it. That I wanted to keep trying. That I had hoped she could feel differently at some point.
So here we are, Airyn asking me to find a way to make it in this situation for a little while longer. That if the stress level in the house continues as is that Chipmunk will move out, and that that will be the end of his relationship with her. He explains how it would make her less then an equal partner, that asking her to move out will alienate her. He talks about how everyone knows that I'm not happy, that I'm hurt. That we all know I want time and space with Airyn, and that I want space away from Chipmunk. That I'm struggling with the emotions of breaking up. Asking me to find something to reduce my stress levels. He tells me that everyone is unhappy with the way things are. That Chipmunk didn't know herself, that she's upset about how things turned out. That he misses me too, that everything I have said he feels too. That the emotional roller coaster, of being ok for a day, and then being emotional the next is making it harder to just get by. Airyn tells me that he's not just being selfish that he feels really bad that it didn't work the way we wanted. That he was interested his interest in Chipmunk, and his willingness to start this relationship was for me to get time with a woman.
He asks me again to start looking for a girlfriend of my own. Airyn tells me that he is ok with me having a girlfriend and him not being apart of that. That at first he really didn't like the idea, but that it doesn't bother him. That the evening Chipmunk and I tried to have for just us, he was totally comfortable. Airyn say that Chipmunk may not be here long, that she will one day want someone committed to just her to get married, and have kids, and not have to share her partner. That he's ok with that possibility. That I will have a girlfriend and he may not. I tell him that I don't want a relationship with a woman as bad as I want time with him. That I don't feel that what I have asked for is too much. But I also tell him that I don't want Chipmunk to move out if that will end their relationship. That I want what happens between them to be controlled by them. That I really don't mind that he has a girlfriend, but that I really need some separation. That right now I just don't want to see her all the time. That it is hurtful for me. I tell him that when the two of them were out on there own that I was fine, it didn't bother me. They have gone out for different things/reason for 30 mins to several hours. At one time this would have made me sad, and as if I wasn't wanted, but now it doesn't bother me. It does make me sad or upset.
I tell Airyn that I never saw her moving out that way. That what I asked for 2 days a week and at least 1 weekend a month, would leave 3-5 days each week for him to spend with his girlfriend. His comment is that he would still be living with me. That Chipmunk would not wake up and walk in the kitchen to a cup of coffee, or to him laying in bed beside her, but that I would. That this extra distance would make it difficult for Chipmunk, and that it would make her less of a partner. That right now her relationship with him is at my mercy. This just makes me sad. I don't want this to be so. I don't want to be the cause of their relationship coming to an end. I just want a safe place for myself. I have no place that is mine.
Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).
No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.
Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married