Closing in on Today: Part 1
The night/evening ends with us all feeling some relief. Me because Airyn isn't upset that I'm done with Chipmunk. Chipmunk because I'm not requiring an end to her relationship with Airyn. Airyn because I'm ok with him having a girlfriend, and that I'm willing to try to make things work with what we have right now.
The next morning, I join them in our shared bed, for a nap after work. When we get up, Chipmuck asks Airyn to scoot over, he asks why as she has never asked this before. Always in the mornings Airyn is in the middle with me and Chipmuck snuggling on either side of him. She tell Airyn that she wants to snuggle. Puts her self between Airyn and I and puts her arm around me. I hold her hand, but I start getting upset and emotional. I'm upset because she has not wanted to touch me, has not offer to cuddle with me. That for the past 2 months the only times she and I have snuggled are when I have asked her to. Even then she had sometimes brushed me off.
Its obvious that I'm upset, and Chipmunk gets up and heads to the kitchen for coffee. Airyn asks me whats wrong. I can't say anything right away, but end up telling him that I want things that I can't have right now. The conversation gets more emotional, and heated. I end up telling him that I am ok with him having a girlfriend, but I'm not ok with her living with me. I'm not ok with her sleeping in my bed. I'm not ok that his girlfriend is keeping me from having the things in our relationship that I want, and need. I tell Airyn that I'm tired of being in a relationship where one person doesn't want me, and the other doesn't have time to be with me. That even when he and I are alone, he's not present with me. That I can't even complain about it cause we both do that. We both worry about Chipmunk, and how she's feeling, how my hurt is effecting her emotional situation. We both watch for her call, we watch the clock to see when we have to leave to go get her from work. That this is not Quality time for us.
I'm getting angry and telling him that I have been right. That these past few months she has just been placating me in an attempt to keep her relationship with him. That it was never real, that her deciding she wants to snuggle after two months of showing her lack of interest is very harsh. Airyn is just trying to calm me down, and get us to a better place so we can all go about our day. I tell him that I'm not kicking her out, but that this can't last. He reminds me that we'll be getting a bigger place in a few months, and that it will be easier that the things I miss, that have been put on hold between us will be there when we have the time and space. I tell him that I have never been good a waiting.
Airyn tells me that I should look for a girlfriend of my own, that even if its just some one to hang out with it might help me feel less uncomfortable, and that I should look for a real girlfriend that he's not comfortable continuing a relationship that has be come so one sided. That we got into this relationship together. That part of why he was so quick to jump at this was so that I would get the opportunity to experience a women. I tell him that I've been thinking about that over the last couple days. That I haven't decided how I feel about that, but that I'm considering it. I told him that I'm not sure I'm comfortable spending time building a new relationship when I'm not getting what I need out of my relationship with him. He asks me to think about it. He tells me that it is ok with him, as long as it's a girl friend.
Since I have been on the site so much I know that this is an insecurity on his part, and I point that out. That everything he has said to me about why he can't accept me with a guy, I can say right back to him and call it a one pussy policy. That the only reason this is acceptable to me is because I do want a woman, and that as long as I get what I need from him I won't feel the need to look for a man. I tell him that in essense he has asked me to be comfortable and secure in my relationship with him to be ok watching him with a woman, seeing him fall in love with her, but telling me he is not as secure as he expects me to be.
He spends several hours thinking about that. He knows that I'm not asking to be with another man, that I do want to be with a woman so his OPP is ok with me. He comes back and says that it may be insecure, but that he would not be comfortable with me being with a guy. That if I came to him and told him that the only way he could continue his relationship with Chipmunk was for me to be able to date a guy he would end his relationship with her. This worries me, but I can't say anything. I don't want to make things harder for him or for Chipmunk. He's just given me a way to destoy everything. To put an end to this situation. Even though I do what more space, and I do want her to be able to move out on her own, I don't really want to come between them. I don't want to create resentment. I want what happens in their relationship to be between them, to be controled by them.
The day ends up being very stressful for everyone. There doesn't feel like any resolution. To make matters worse this is the day that I have kept Wolf home from school. Her birthday was Saturday. And our plans for that day didn't go so well. I was making her a cake from scratch including the icing. Well we forgot some things when Wolf and I went out to get the supplies we needed, and had to go back out for birthday candles. She and I joked about it, and were being silly together. Then when I go to frost her cake, the frosting bowl ends up upside down on the kitchen floor. So I'm stressing out, I have to go back out and get more things to remake the frosting. Wolf is subdued knowing that I'm sad and unhappy cause I feel like I'm f'ing things up. She and I talk and I tell her that at least there isn't cake flying all over the kitchen like what happened to my mom. I tell her that story again, and she and I laugh about it. We make jokes, and remake the frosting. I tell her that next year she should ask me to take her to Wholefoods for a cake there. That if I'm going to make her a cake we'll have to do it on a day that isn't her birthday.
Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).
No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.
Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married