Thread: GreenMom's Blog
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Old 10-24-2012, 07:46 PM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 103

Well, its sounding like all three of my potential dates this week are probably not happening, boo.

I think I may have scared G off with my direct approach, LOL. Better to find out early I suppose, since I have no intentions of changing my personality.

Z ended up being busy with work the nights I am available, so, maybe next week.

Marty has a kiddo-related conflict tonight. It is possible we will still get together after, but I'm not holding my breath. On the plus side, we have locked in plans for next week Weds at his suggestion, so, yay.

I'm having a small issue with jealousy. I let Marty know I was dating again. He quid pro quo let me know that he had a new 'cuddle friend' but so far it was all non-sexual.

I really struggled hearing that because I know his free time is already so limited, and it will be even harder for me to see him once I move, and now there will be someone else's schedule to consider. I also know that if I am important enough to him, he will make the time. I also know that despite the fact he and I had both agreed earlier this year we didn't want to date anyone else aside from each other and our spouses (well, I had one at the time), that this is hardly something I should have thought would never happen.

I've taken such a blow to my self confidence with my husband leaving me, that I think I'm a lot more vulnerable to other things hurting. I know Marty is very interested in picking up where we left off, he made that clear. I've made clear that I expect to see that instead of pulling teeth like last time. I'm sure what I am feeling is normal so I'm working on understanding why I feel that way so I can move past it.

Obviously, I'm not planning to forsake all others for him. He's married. We can't ever have that sort of relationship. I'm in fact actively hoping I can score date time with the two other men I am starting to see in the near future (well, if I didn't scare G away. Z I know is game for more dates). In other words, it's a pretty unrealistic expectation for me to hope he continues to not see anyone else. Especially when I can't give him the kind of time I gave him before, now that I'm a single parent.

I also recognize that I am terrified he will simply phase me out completely. I actually thought that had already happened. I don't want to go through those feelings of being replaced by someone else, when I am already deailng with that from the end of my marriage.

I think my fear is the biggest hurdle here. I'm working on reminding myself that I have no way to control his actions or how he spends his time. I have not and will never have that kind of claim on him. I can only live my life as I choose and hope that our schedules collide. I am working on not setting high expecations so that they can't be dashed when conflicts arise. I need to have a more realistic way to look at this relationship, if it continues, since once I move I will only be able to see him maybe twice a month, which makes me sad. I miss the days earlier this year when I saw him twice a week. Right now I'd settle for once a week but that can't happen.

So, instead, I will try to focus on what can happen. I know Marty is interested, and I am in him. I know Z is interested, and I am in him. G is more elusive, so we shall see. Ironically G lives closest to where I am moving, but, if it's not gonna happen I can't force it.

I've also decide that I am not contacting any of them again until they contact me. I've left the ball pretty firmly in each man's court. Marty is supposed to contact me today to confirm or cancel for tonight, pending kiddo stuff. I let G know I could do something Thursday, or next week. I let Z know I could do something Friday, or next week. I'm not averse to asking people out, but, I want to see reciprical efforts, so I'm maintaining radio silence until contacted.

And I continue to work on being happy as my own primary. I am doing a lot better at it, it just gets hard when I really need a hug and nobody is there. I get lots of kiddo hugs, which are great, but sometimes a hug from someone bigger and stronger than me is so nice.
"This, too, is sacred."
I am my own primary.
Me: F, 30's, bi.
Sadist: my fwb. M, 30's.
Pandora: Sadist's gf. F, 30's.
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