Originally Posted by Vosh
We never had a poly agreement or even talked asbout ot until a year ago when we were joking around about it and next thing I know is "hey I'm doing this either get ok with it ,deal with it or just sit and be jealous and go away"
no real disscussion wasad and she will do what she will...no matter how I feel about it
This is not healthy at all. You seem to really like her, based on you saying you don't want to end this relationship.
So here's my advice:
1. Think about how you feel right now and what are your limits. Would you agree to a poly relationship, IF it was a healthy one? (With both participating in every decision and minding each others feelings?) Would both of you be willing to learn more about poly and discuss it properly before jumping into new relationships?
2. Comunicate your limits to her. Tell her IF you are ok with a poly relationship and what are your terms. Let her know you're not happy with the situation as it is. Let her know that what she's doing is inconsiderate and hurtfull. If you are NOT ok with a poly relationship in any way, tell her that.
3.Stand by your limits. I know it's hard, and probably not what you want to hear right now. But if after comunicating your needs to her and listening hers there's no agreement, you two ended up not being compatible after all. It's always sad when such a long relationship just goes wrong, but it happens. People and life goals change, and if you two can't reach an agreement on that, the best thing to do is split up.
1.Make it her choice. No "It's me or him" scenarios. What is happening here is that you are not happy with a situation and the way she's treating you (and I do think what she did is not ok), so take responsability. Say "I'm not ok with this" intead of "you have to choose". She made her choice already, aparently. It's up to you to be ok with it or not.
2.Agree or submit yourself to abusive or hurtfull situations. I understand it's very hard to let a 10 year relationship go, but sometimes it's for the best.
I must state that I do agree with other people in this thread. I'm trying really hard not to judge her here, but she didn't come off as a nice person at all. Everything you described points to abusive behavior. She also seems to be trying to make YOU break up with her. If that's the case, she's REALLY imature and you're better off without her. Sorry. :/
Best of luck to you. Hang in there, you'll get through this.