This all so new! Exciting but need advice out jealousy/neediness/expectations.
I'm glad I found this place! I'll try to be as concise as possible.
Quick background fact, I'm recently divorced but my divorce had nothing to do with polyamory. It was just one of those things that didn't work out. Wife left June 2011 and the divorce became final April 2012. I mention the divorce because it was just recently final and I'm still dealing with the emotions of that and that probably plays a part in all of this.
Back in Feb 2012 (long after I was separated and just waiting for divorce to be final) I met this woman in an online forum. It was pure serendipity. She asked me a few questions about my divorce and next thing you know a friendship developed. She was there for many a night of crying in my part. It was a true friendship. So we get to know each other and she tells me how she's in an open marriage. I was so surprised but also intrigued. I have never met someone in an open marriage before. So I asked a million question and she was quite candid with her answers. At this point there was no interest beyond a friendship. She told me of her escapades and her fantasies, I was fascinated. This was a online friendship (she's far away) but it developed into countless texts and hours long weekends calls on Sat and Sunday.
Then she made a move. It caught me by surprise. It escalated quite quickly. Naughty calls, sexy pics, erotic letters and it all ended with "so when are you coming to visit so we can make all this happen?" In a moment of lust and desire I gave in and now we have a 14 day vacation planned at the end of the year. It's all booked and paid for. It's happening.
So here is where we are now. The friendship is there, growing everyday. She speaks at how the friendship is paramount. She has laid down the "rules" ie. don't fall in love, friendship first and last, honesty, etc. I totally agree with her. I will say, I'm NOT in love with her. Of that I'm sure. I lust for her yes, but LOVE love? No at all. I also don't want to be a "boyfriend" or anything like that. This is first friendship, lust when it's possible and that's that.
However, neediness and jealousy have started creeping in on my part.
She's open and loud and honest and brusque to a fault. Like no woman I've ever met (LOL!). As such she has no qualms about telling me of other men she wishes to sleep with. The first time this happened it killed me! The jealousy burned within me bad. She was nice at first, told me that with me it was different because she cared for me as a friend and even when she sleeps with someone else, she has not desire to let them into her life like she has me. But then she switches to brusque and just tells me I need to get over it. I'm not jealous of her husband nor of her ex "boyfriend" that she broke up with last year and talks about from time to time. Yet when she talks of others, I get extremely jealous and insecure. At the same time, as far as I know she hasn't slept with anyone other than her ex boyfriend last year. But my mind goes crazy when I think about it. I don't like this one bit.
How can I deal with this? How does one deal with jealousy and insecurity in a relationship such as this? I understand it's 99% on my part, in my head but it's so hard for me to hear her talk of lusting for other men. Yet on the other hand, I lust for other women and this is certainly not stopping me from pursuing them, she actually encourages me! Am I being just a "guy"? Do I want my cake and eat it too? I don't want to be like this.
Our relationship started off so hot, it has since cooled off into a more everyday friendship with occasional lust and I think that's what's bothering me the most. Sounds so dumb when I write it out actually! I couldn't possibly expect this to be 100% "ON" all the time right? That's where I am right now. I need to detach a bit perhaps, we text every morning/night, some days we'll hardly talk but some days it won't stop. I need to get to a place where it just flows naturally instead of trying to force it, which I do at times.
I hope this made sense and I welcome and look forward to any advice or insight!