ON ENGAGEMENT: AN UPDATE (part 2)
(Meta Note: Older entry -- from 10/9/2012. My own life is chugging along swimmingly but then I got all distracted in Abuse Land and had to stop chasing Shiny Thoughts in my own head and tend to hurt friend. So back to THAT conversation already in progress....)
I've always found it curious that people don't seem to be engaged for all that long. Not like I'm some big expert on being engaged to consider a marriage. I only did it once, and I only plan to do it once!
I always told him I was not interested in being his first. I am interested in being his last. I already know the places he's my last. Like I'm not having more bio children. He's it. Genetic monogamy.
Having a kid is a Major Life Choice.
We engaged to think about having a kid for um... 10 years? It was on and off conversation taken in stages.
1) That we both wanted to go there. Engaged to determine the reality test our fitness in our healths and as a couple.
2) We agreed to planning on general time and general mission date. Engaged to determined the WHEN. Not during college. Too stressy to add newborn then. Not during early career building. Window time chosen – somewhere around THERE would be good.
3) Then the date rolled nearer and here came the trying to conceive period. Engaged to execute the mission. If we want to catch the train? This is it! Window is here!
She came almost for the exact 10th year anniv. Right on target. Smug.
Don't tell me I can't control my own destiny.
New Major Life Choice. Opening a Marriage.
We're engaged on "Opening Up - Repass." It isn't like we haven't touched on it over the years along the way here and there. Like we used to touch on the baby thing here and there before it was time to really get on with the Baby Making Talks.
This feels similar to me. We've had the polyship talks here and there along the way. It's feeling like time to get serious and really get on with the Polyship Making Talks. So this period of engagement is set for a year and a day minimum.
A tentative date for execution of the mission? After HS grad. We're not at "all systems go!" -- this is more the stage of reality testing of the people's fitness. Are we fit? Do we need more training for this mission? Is the missions scheduled for the right time of life?
In polyship you ARE your own ground control. You get to play both sides. Launch a mission and it sucks because the engineers designed a poor craft? You were the engineers. It sucks because the crew is not flying right? You are the crew. It sucks because there's no tether to ground control? You are the ground control. You are it. Kit and kaboodle.
You are on your own mettle.
I just don't want to co-parent with anyone else. I accept Life is weird and while my intent is thus, it could change. He accepts that and agrees. He has no desire to coparent either.
But Life being Life – what if it is a case like he was? The Right One. Not at the Exact Right Time but VERY close? As opposed to the Right One at the Wrong Time?
Reasonableness window being what? 10th grade the Other enters Orbit? Rather than 12th grade grad? Discard possibility or renegotiate as close enough? Additonal conversation required. That's where we left it for now. Sometimes we just kick out a number just to get a handle on something to the good enough for now place. Then come back and jiggle it around some more later.
That's what being engaged in a time of discernment is FOR. To think about making change(s), figure it out, then nail it down. Sometimes move the post over a little bit. Before you change the boundary fences you do the perimeter walk to take notes what chunks need repair first or total replacement or are doing just fine where they lie.
Navigating through Stages of Change towards the mutual goal of Opening Up, dating well, then settling back down into some polyfi shape of something.
Configurations convo pending – I like being the hinge in a V best, but am open to small shapes like Ns and triads and quads. I know I have a low polysaturation point and I cannot, at this time of my life, deal in a tangle. I would have enjoyed that more as a single pre-motherhood. He's deliberating what his favs are.
We could Open Up and hang a shingle and... nobody ever visits the store. And I'd be alright with that. I'm not missing anything here in the closed polyship of two. I wouldn't be missing anything in the open polyship of 2. I'm not even missing anything without him.
I'm me. Whole. Complete. Person. I'm not a broken half person needing another broken half to complete me. In partnered relationship, you cannot have it without a PARTNER. Partnered relationship requires a partner somewhere. The partner is there to complement you in partnered relationship. Partner is not there to complete you.
A partnered relationship does not mean either partner is NOT already a complete, whole person able to stand on their own two healthy, whole, complete feet. Partners are choosing to come together – interdependently weaving the fabric they wish to make of Life Shared.