Originally Posted by nondy2
I want to ask Vix (who I greatly admire) how do you fight for a political group without it sounding like you are making it into us and them? How can I speak out against ableism with sounding like it's a personal offense?
Gala Girl - your advice helped me so much. If you are not a counselor you should be!!
1. My comment about immaturity was not well put and unfair. I was talking specifically about one person, my husband's girlfriend, and my reservations with her.
5. Sex parities don't even bother me. I just don't want the in MY life.
Please try to engage what I'm actually saying.
I only quoted what I was going to reply to.
I'm not Vix-but in my experience, and in my opinion on this blog-it's not a matter of you sounding like you have a personal offense per se that is the issue.
Anyone fighting an issue of discrimination has a personal offense, even if it is on someone else's behalf. That's not a bad thing.
The key is in recognizing that we ALL have these issues and therefore none of us is better than another, but we are in fact all capable of learning from one another.
I'm so glad she appeared on the board!
Your reservations with your husband's girlfriend may be legitimate, but your explanations for why you see her as you do were not. That is why so many people have tried to press past those explanations. Maybe she is immature-but you gotta dig deep in yourself to find out why you care.
The key here is-you can ONLY CHANGE YOURSELF and no one else. So, the answer to any issue is deciding what change you need to make in yourself in order to be able to be happy in the situation (I'll leave the million examples of possible changes to others to describe).
Sex parties aren't something I want in my life either. Nor are fb's. But, my husband is interested in having a fb. SO-I have to decide what I am willing to accept in my life if I want him in my life.
In my situation, the deal is-he can have fb's if he wants-but he can't bring them home, or around the kids or I.
That's my terms.
He can choose to accept my terms or not.
If he accepts, we remain a couple and he schedules a 24 hour period a week to be out doing whatever it is he does with his fb's.
If he doesn't accept-we separate.
So-if sex parties are a no for you, you need to set your terms-and then lay them out in a calm and agreeable fashion for him so he can decide if he wants to accept or not.
THEN-you have to accept his choice and the consequences that come from that.
Which is not say that you two can't discuss myriad possible compromises.
I personally find it very helpful to figure out for myself what my soft boundaries are (ones I may compromise on given the right circumstances) and my hard boundaries are (ones that are non-negotiable). Before I try to converse. Then, I lay out for him my non-negotiables first-because those are deal breakers. Once we've concluded where things stand with those, then we can move on to the ones that may be negotiable.
For example, somewhat off topic-just to give you an idea of how you might go from here regarding the sex parties topic:
Not having fuck buddies brought around me and the kids is non negotiable.
But-him having fuck buddies is negotiable and what day or how often he see's them is negotiable.
My bedroom being off limits is ACTUALLY non-negotiable, because if I happened to become close friends with his girlfriend (he doesn't currently have one), then I might be ok with her being in our room. In fact, he did have a girlfriend who used our room when she was here with him-and that wasn't a problem for me.
However, not moving into our home without full agreement from myself, my boyfriend and my husband-absolutely non-negotiable.
STI testing done and shared before sex-NON NEGOTIABLE.
So, you don't want anything to do with sex parties-figure out what exactly it is you want to avoid.
Is it not wanting to hear about it?
It is not wanting to see it?
Is it the risk factor of STI's? (for me-this would be my concern and a healthy but heavy discussion of stricter safer-sex practices may be enough to allow me to compromise on his involvement with them and me.)
What exactly is the concrete issue that is bothering you? Then work your boundaries up from there.
For example, if my husband wanted to go-but wasn't intending to have sex with anyone but an already agreed upon partner-I don't care. I don't want to hear the details about it-but I'm not concerned about the STI issue. But-we have some pretty strict understandings regarding STI testing (ongoing) for partners as well as use of protection. If those weren't in place, we'd have issues with poly and sex parties wouldn't even be discussable!
Grandson is now napping.
I LOVE that kid! Swimming when he wakes up with him and my two youngest (5 and 12 yrs) then he goes home to mommy-who will be thrilled to have been free to take a shower alone and wash her hair without him in the tub with her.