View Single Post
Old 10-22-2012, 11:23 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552

Originally Posted by MoonElf View Post
Then, CC says he needs to talk about this and confesses he's developing feelings for me, and fears he'll be jaleous of Peaches. Since he knows it's my nature to be poly, and that I love Peaches very much, he said we would never ask of me to choose between then. He said him breaking our original agreement and getting between me and Peaches would be disrespectful to me and he would rather step back now, before any one of us got hurt, so we could still be best friends like before.
It sounds like he doesn't actually understand what it means for you to be poly in nature, which makes sense since he is apparently not poly. He may need more discussions about polyamory to realize that you being poly means you don't have to choose, nor would he come between you and Peaches. I'm sure it was a noble intention on his part, and for mono relationships makes total sense, but not so much for poly relationships.

He said that his worst problem was about how frequently we were having dates and how we were making out all the time and never talking (which I didn't really like too) and how he was jaleous how Peaches got to cuddle and talk to me, and watch movies and hold hands. And how he'd like to resume our relationship IF we took care to not see each other (romanticaly) this often, so he could keep his feelings for me and his jaleousy under control.
Partially makes sense. Finding the balance between sexy-time and together-time can be difficult, especially in a new relationship. It's common to want so much of both every time! The notion that limiting time will make it possible to limit emotions is a fallacy, though. I can see where slowing down so he has more time to deal with jealousy instead of it being a constant presence is good, but he needs to make sure to use that time to DEAL with it, not just ignore it because it's not happening as often.

1.Because he has this mono-tendencies. His wish to be mono with me (and me with him) actually made him give this up once. Everytime we have a nice, romantic evening, I find myself in fear the next morning, like he could snap at any time and say: I can't do this.

2.Mono-tendencies also makes me have it in my head that at any random time some amazing girl will pop up on his life and say: I'll be yours, and yours only. And then he'll leave me. It's not like he'll choose me. I'm only his FWB. It's not like he's poly, so there can be room in his life for both of us, me and this hypotetical gosth.
Valid fear. Been there, done that. I don't have any particularly helpful advice, except to really think about if you're okay with being a "for now" relationship, until he finds someone mono to be with, and if you're willing to risk potentially harming the friendship if/when that happens. Either decision has its pros and cons, so only you can decide what you want most.

3.I think I'm a little hurt by him setting limits on how much he can love me. It came across as "poly girls are not good enough to show mommy" at first and though he told me he just felt he is "forbiden" to love me because Peaches "got there first". I did explain to him that it's nothing like this, but I don't know if my explanation was any good.
Again, seems like he's missing the point of polyamory at the moment. Limiting love, rather than having multiple people to love and love you back, is just about as opposite from poly as one can get! Maybe invite him here to read the blogs of those who are in healthy, happy poly relationships? Perhaps seeing it "in action" would help him wrap his head around poly better?

4.I feel he's conecting emotionally to me everyday more and more. So am I with him. But I don't think he'll admit it, and I am very afraid to tell him I actually love him as much as I love Peaches (tough, of course, we don't have the same intimacy just yet) and end up back to best friends only.
It's hard to be the one to say "I love you" first! No advice from me on that one, I'm afraid. You're the only one who will know when you're ready to tell him, but I wouldn't put too much emphasis on trying to find "the right time". I tend to make decisions by asking myself, "Which could I possibly end up regretting more: doing something or not doing it?" Getting together with TGIB happened, in part, because I realized I'd regret NOT trying a relationship with him more than I could ever regret being in a relationship with him, regardless of how long it lasted or how it ended. So basically, would you rather he know how you feel, and have that knowledge informing his decisions? Or would you rather he be making his choices without knowing the depth of your feelings?

Good luck!
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
Reply With Quote