Hierarchy has never really been an issue with me and other partners. Except for one exception in the distant past, I have always dated people who were also in strong primary relationships where they also used the primary/secondary model. I am quite used to being of lower priority in someone's life than their wife/mother of their kids. I expect that, and would not question it. The OSO who is secondary/tertiary to me (not sure what) has made it quite, quite clear that his relationship with his wife is his first priority, which feels completely appropriate to me, since they are also a 20-year plus relationship with children in the mix. I expect to not always get what I want in my relationship with him, if my wants/needs conflict with what his wife wants or needs, and there have been times when this has happened.
I do feel bad about breaking my promise to be with OSO sexually. At the time, it didn't seem like a big deal, since we all had the whole afternoon free and OSO hadn't ever expressed a preference that he be with me sexually before my primary was. We hadn't agreed on a time either, it was all a bit vague. I had wanted, and expected, to be with them both sexually that afternoon, and that was clear to OSO too. But I know that what I should have done is told my primary that I had a previous commitment to OSO, and been with my primary afterwards.
Marcus, my primary partner is starting therapy, among other reasons, because we got into a situation where I was alone and very upset about something and asking for his in-person comfort and support, and he ignored me because his partner of three months had expressed a vague desire to go to a certain restaurant that same evening. (They weren't having a date either.) The phone conversation I had with him at the time was downright scary, he literally did not seem to hear what I said to him. He is trying to unravel why this, and comparable situations, have happened. He isn't in love with his new partner either, they are pretty much friends with benefits at this point, so he can't blame it on NRE. I hope he can figure it out. I wish you hadn't tried to minimize what happened between us without knowing some of the facts about it.
Last edited by persephone; 10-22-2012 at 07:17 PM.