I've been a non-member lurker of this site for about 5 months. As a private person going through some tough emotional times I had not felt up to starting a blog. Then I stumbled on BaggagePatrols excellent blog
. Reading through her journey, and identifying with parts of it has made me decide that starting my own blog would be to my benefit. So here goes:
First off I have read a lot of negative things about couples "unicorn hunting" and while in a nut shell that maybe all some people see in what we were attempting. We went into this situation with a much more open minded approach then what I have seen described in such a negative light. So give me time to put the basics out there, and get my story together before assuming that we are unicorn predators.
As this is meant to be a blog of my Poly journey I'm not actively seeking advice; however advice is welcome when it is constructive. Tone of voice can not be conveyed in text, so consider your words carefully and realize that the emotional state of the reader will put tone of voice to your words.
My husband (call him Airyn) and I were interested in a triad relationship. What we found was a Vee with me as the hinge. Airyn was ok with working at creating a relationship with the woman we found (I'll call her Chipmunk).
NRE is a bitch, we didn't see what really was, and made many many mistakes. All three of us. We decided to work at it and try to make thing work any way. As things progressed the Vee changed, Airyn became the hinge once PIV was available. (Birth control had to be taken care of first)
My only boundary was stepped on multiply times, without the benefit of discussion. All I asked was to not be excluded, to not be left unfulfilled when in a group situation. They were free to be just them, and had ample opportunity for alone time (as in 5 nights/evening a week).
It takes everyone working at communication for communication to be successful. I struggle with talking about how I feel, or even fully understanding how I feel so I can talk about it. So there was trouble there, and I had been (am still) working on it. However I'm not the only one who struggled with communication. Chipmunk rarely initiated communication to talk about how she felt, and shut me down a couple times when I attempted to communicate with her in an intimate (more then just friends) fashion. Airyn is better then either of us, but still has issue with divulging everything that is going on for him. So three people struggling with proper communication. Making mistakes, taking ownership that mistakes had been made, and attempting to work them out and move on. Not an easy situation, but one we had all been determined to make work.
So this journey we have undertaken together, began when Airyn found out that Chipmunk was attracted to me. He got us together to see if there was actually something there. Chipmunk and I hit it off great, and were encouraged to flirt by Airyn. Now I have come to the realization that Chipmunk is not bi-curious or bi-sexual, that she can be called only bi-flexibly. Meaning that she is ok with another woman in the mix, but not interested in fulfilling said woman. For me this is a huge disappointment. As I truly identify as bisexual.
I have told Airyn for many many years that for me there is no difference in being with a woman or a man. The emotions, the physical response is the same. That if he is going to feel threaten by a dude flirting with me, he should feel the same when it's a women. He understand this on an intellectual level, but for him it is easier to be ok with me and another women. So there is an OPP (one penis policy) in place. Since I'm interested in women I have no problem with that.
We are at 5 months with this relationship, and things have changed. Now it's still a Vee but we are no longer attempting to create a Triad. I am no longer interested in pursuing Chipmunk in that fashion. I have told them both this, and that I am ok with Airyn and Chipmunk continuing their relationship. Airyn is not comfortable with me no longer pursuing Chipmunk, and we have talked about me looking for a GF of my own.
To Be continued: