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Old 10-22-2012, 06:18 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Location: Seattle-ish
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
If your ultimate goal is to ensure that S has enough time for you and the household, wouldn't it make more sense to make agreements about that? Explicitly limiting his time with G does not ensure that he'll spend the remainder of the time on you, your household, and his job. It just means that he won't be spending that time with her.

I think that's a great and much more useful way of looking at things. #1 for me is asking for what I want and need (or think I need) to be happy in a relationship and see if those can be met first before worrying about what is going on in other relationships. I think a lot of people respond to this better too. In our house we have agreements about being home X days a week in order to make sure household stuff is getting done & 2 days together to make sure bonding stuff is getting done (they can overlap), before scheduling other stuff.

And wow 1 week of dating is very new, I'm a believer of "begin as you want it to continue" and seeing G a lot now then having to taper it if (when) it turns out he does neglect all his other responsibilities at home and you get in an argument about it sets poor expectations IMO.

Do you think if you asked him to spend one or two days a week working from home still so you could share those moments that were special to you, it would make a difference to you? Maybe if he is willing to negotiate being at home every Wednesday, say - you'll find having that time together mid week is enough to make you feel like you're getting to touch base often enough.

And I admit, 2 dates a week I get, 3 one hour coffee visits a week...that I didn't get. Clock watching to make sure you don't enjoy your coffee and company for 70 minutes? I think that would set a lot of mostly honest people to hedge the truth (admit I had coffee for 65 minutes and have my partner mad at me? Awkwardly set my alarm for 59 minutes then jump up out of my chair and say I have to dash?) If I agreed to 2 dates a week and didn't have to worry about time spent at work (because he has to actually be getting work done too, right?) I'd find it hard to say that wasn't reasonable, a lot of people might rebel against minute counting though. I've had similar reservations about my husband dating at work because of thinking of all the extra time they'd have for seeing each other day after day, I know if I say I'm find with him going ahead and dating a co-worker, putting limits on how much they can see each at work will probably do more harm than good.

Hopefully that made sense though it was rambly, I'm having a serious head cold right now :| I will add though...if somebody says they will try to think before they speak...do NOT expect that they will think before they speak, that's just setting yourself up. People are who they are, I can't recall a single time in 20 years that a partner who has told me they will "try to ___ from now on" has actually succeeded. I've found ignoring those statements has made me much happier than being upset when they fail to follow through.
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