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Old 10-22-2012, 12:10 AM
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Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
Since I wrote, my husband has decided not to go to sex parities because it is stepping over my boundaries. I am getting two different messages here : 1. Is you should have agreements and stick by them 2. You should not impose rules on a relationship. This is confusing.
The way I think of it is this...

Boundaries and agreements are given a lot of thought by both parties, and the person making the agreement is doing so because they feel compassion for the other person's perspective. They do not feel forced into the agreement.

"Rules" amount to coercion. Usually, in a marriage, it takes one of two forms. The extreme form is "Do this, or I will leave you." The less extreme form is "Do this, or I will be so rotten that you'll wish you'd listened." Either form can be explicit or implied.

Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
As far as sex parties, I am very open-minded about other people. My reaction comes from a visceral, not academic nor moral stance. It is all my naive but I would ask, what is the diffence between a sex addict and people who gear their ives around sex parties and conventions. I ma trying to be open minded! I am trying to be cool with it.
It's like the difference between a wine aficionado and an alcoholic.

The first appreciates a fine wine, travels the world to visit exquisite vinyards, even spends thousands of dollars on wine tasting events, and hundreds of dollars on single bottles of wine. But he is generally a healthy, well-adjusted person who just happens to really enjoy fine wine.

The second is drinking alcohol to escape their problems and is exhibiting signs of addictive behaviour.

You can be addicted to anything. The telltale sign is whether it affects your ability to function normally in your day to day life.

Some people are addicted to video games; others design video games for a living. One is a harmful addiction, the other is gainful employment. It's not the subject matter that counts, it's why you do it that's important. Gearing your life around something doesn't necessarily mean you're addicted to it.

Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
My drama is not in the past. It is a very real present of many friends whose lives have been distoyed but orgies and AIDS and multiple partners - three a night! You said, thiere are extreme cases I could not even imagine. Unfortuealy, I have heard the most brutal stories - my friend doing meth and getting fucked for 20 hrs by guy after guy, his boyfriend being brutally raped, beaten, and covered with shit when going to a hook up, etc. IAM STUPID but it is viscerally hard for me to distinguish these meetings between that and going to sex parties. I also believe the hetrosexual community is very nonchalant about HIV. Maybe I'm wrong - but most people I've met don't know what "are you negative means" and it's still an akward question. I am prepared to be wrong though!
I'm so sorry to hear that, and I can totally understand where your aversion to sex parties comes from.

When you said your husband was going to sex parties, I understood it to mean he was going with his girlfriend and they were only having sex with each other. If they're having sex with everyone with no protection, then of course you wouldn't want him to go, it affects your personal safety. But if that's the case, then why aren't you asking him to stop seeing her all together? After all, if she's doing that and then sleeping with your husband, he's at just as much risk as if he was there himself.

I'm only 30, so I grew up during the dawn of the HIV/AIDS epidemic. "USE CONDOMS OR YOU WILL DIE" was drilled into my head before I really knew what sex was. Free condoms were everywhere. So I wouldn't say that it's a heterosexual thing, I would say it's an older people thing. Especially people who were married through the worst of the AIDS epidemic, so it wasn't even on their radar... and now they're divorced and back in the dating scene, and never really caught on that besides AIDS, there are about a hundred STIs you can get, many of which are incurable.

And actually, HIV is one of the less dangerous infections these days. They have anti-virals now that can keep a person from ever developing AIDS. But herpes has no cure and can be transmitted even with condoms.

So when people ask me "Are you negative" I say "Yes, but for what in particular?" Well no one actually asks me that, but that's what I would say.

Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
You have to understand that I am coming from a Catholic background and great trama. Perhaps all the sex positive people who arr comfortable with 'anything goes" have not been witness to people dying of AIDS and so on. I Don't know what makes someone comfortable with their partner engaging in any form of sex...
Ironically, the Catholic church is one of the worst causes for people not using condoms. The Catholic schools in my city have the highest incidence of teen pregnancy and STIs, because they teach absolutely nothing about safe sex. So the kids don't know about condoms, or worse they think that condoms are sinful... but teenage hormones being what they are, they have sex anyway.

My husband enjoys casual sex. He's been doing it for years. At first, I was super uncomfortable with even the idea, because I share your fears about HIV, and other STIs. But then I realized... My husband isn't an idiot and I trust him. He's had sex with so many people, many of them strangers... If he didn't know how to practice safe sex, he wouldn't have made it this far with clean test results. So what makes me comfortable with my husband engaging in any form of sex? The fact that I didn't marry a moron.

Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
As far as maturity, I do believe that having to answer to something (anything) besides a job, makes a person mature and makes life deeper. I think many people live like 25 yr olds catering to only their needs. They haver every right to do so, but because of my own maturity (growing up disabled, watching family and friends die, raising a child) I guess I am (unfairly) impatient. & much of my maturity I did not choose, I didn't chose to be disabled and deal with endless prejudice, I didn't chose to have my father abandon me at 6... etc.
Thanks for listening.
Of the people I've met, the most mature don't feel the need to broadcast how mature they are and how mature other people are not. Nothing personal, it's just an observation from my life. I don't know you, so I'm not making any claims about your maturity, and please don't take that personally.

I think some people confuse independence with maturity. Having to take care of yourself teaches you independence. But judging people for their life choices is not a sign of maturity, I'm sorry to say. I know lots of people who have gone through all kinds of trauma and challenge, and they're not a bit mature for it.

If you became mature after all that, it's in spite of those challenges, not because of them. It's because you chose to grow-up rather than let those things leave you stuck in the mud. In other words, if you're mature, I wouldn't give the credit to your challenges. Take full credit yourself, for learning from those challenges. Not everybody does.

I see nothing immature in prioritizing one's own needs. Indeed, I see that as a sign of maturity. No one else is going to take care of you.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 10-22-2012 at 12:17 AM.
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