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Old 10-21-2012, 11:30 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by cmonkee View Post
S is in an extremely demanding and stressful profession, meaning that we often struggle with both equitable sharing of household responsibilities and having a lot of quality time together. (I also work rather long hours, but S is expected to work most evenings and weekends.) The limits on S's time with G are about preserving our time together, his ability to get work done, and his ability to contribute meaningfully to household tasks. As they stand, I think they're pretty generous. However, he's only been seeing G for a week, so it's all very crushy and he'd likely spend a lot more time right now without the limits.
If your ultimate goal is to ensure that S has enough time for you and the household, wouldn't it make more sense to make agreements about that? Explicitly limiting his time with G does not ensure that he'll spend the remainder of the time on you, your household, and his job. It just means that he won't be spending that time with her.

While that might feel like a bandaid on your insecurity, it really doesn't address any underlying issues.

Originally Posted by cmonkee View Post
My insecurities about this stem somewhat from the fact that S and G work together. The fact that S can tell me "I'm going to the office" and that means he'll likely see her throughout the day, maybe take a break or two for coffee, maybe have lunch together makes me feel very threatened.
This is just more evidence that restricting their date time together isn't likely to solve the issue.

My impression from reading the first post is that you imposed these limits on him. You say he "agreed" to them, but I suspect he did so under duress.

Originally Posted by cmonkee View Post
I think this is about the fact that although I could say "no" to a specific date night, I can't interfere with his work.
This really drives home my suspicion that you're basically forcing him to agree to your conditions. Yes, he has free will and he can choose not to agree. But let's be realistic. When your wife is standing their, tapping her foot, and making it clear that if you doesn't agree to her conditions, she's going to make your life a living hell... Well, it's not much of a "choice."

You pick your battles. In this case, date time wasn't worth giving up his whole family, especially when he realized he could just "go to the office" and get around your rules.

Bottom line, I think you need to renegotiate your agreement. These "2 x 6-8 hours + 3 x 1 hour" per-week limits are so specific as to appear ridiculous, at least to me. Plus, they don't seem to be "working" in that you're still concerned about the time he spends at home and actually doing his job at work. Perhaps a more marriage-focused approach would be better, something like specific date nights for you and your husband, specific chores that he will do around the house every day / week, and even include his responsibilities at work.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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