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Old 10-21-2012, 11:15 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,622
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Quote:
"Can we stop ourselves from falling in love?"
We feel whatever it is. Rain is rain. Sun is sun. Emotion is emotion. You cannot choose or control what you feel. Emotion is internal weather -- it just blows on through.

You only choose to control how you BEHAVE in response to that feeling.

Quote:
I don't even know what I am asking right now but I know I need some advice. I don't like feeling split between two loves
.
How are you split? The time management problem bugging you?

Quote:
They each offer me something very different and very needed. H is fine with R being in my life, and actually very supportive of it. R fears that I would be happier if I left him for H.
Happier how? If you are happy NOW, how is it a problem?

What's his fear speaking to? Is he feeling insecure? Neglected? What?

Has he told you how he wants your reassure/support/nurture? Are you giving reassure/support/nurture of R at the right volume? Is he working to address this fear and let it go?

Quote:
I don't want that and I don't even think it would work.... I love the relationship I have with H but I don't want it to damage my relationship with R. I still see a more significant and long-lasting future with R.
Elaborate please. How exactly is your relationship with H damaging R? Are you giving more the NRE and neglecting the ORE?

Quote:
I guess what I am afraid of is my love for H casting too much of a shadow on R, especially in this limerence stage. I can't bear to think of losing either of them.
Elaborate please. How is you expressing your love for H "casting a shadow" on R? Is he having a hard time hearing you express caring and affection for H?

How are you going to "lose" either? You cannot control their behavior. They choose to stay or choose to go. Are you breaking any agreements with them? Ignoring any limits?

What is this guilt thing speaking to? You are not "putting R through anything" if he has chosen this WITH you. Is he articulating regret and wanting to change the relationship configuration?

What is this need to feel everything exactly the same speaking to? He feels bad because you have H. And you feel bad that you DO NOT feel bad about R's lady friend? That's odd. Would you feel better if you BOTH were feeling bad?

You are the hinge in an MFM. The hinge person has to be the TMI wall -- do you have agreements for how much is too much? Where is the TMI line drawn? Is that a soft limit or a hard limit?

When I was a hinge I felt fine until the point where the LDR with BF2 started to feel ugh. That was more about time management than emotional management though. Geography, budget, distance -- those were hard limits that could not be changed. I wanted them both to be local, but that wasn't happening. So I had to deal with that. I'm not getting the sense here in your "V" that LDR is the prob.

It reads more like you as the hinge person coping with emotional management and being there for each of your sweetie's without it spreading YOU too thin or you playing outside your own box. Are you feeling like you have trouble letting H own his feelings? Letting R own his feelings? Owning your own feelings? Everyone has to hold their own baggage. Do you know how to be a good hinge or struggle with that? What parts?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-21-2012 at 11:19 PM.
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