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Old 10-21-2012, 10:59 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
Another issue is that I like his GF a lot. But I find her lifestyle immature (lives alone, not kids, no pets etc)
There's zero correlation between living alone with no kids or pets, and maturity. Many busy professionals live alone because they haven't had time to date or haven't found someone they like living with, or just plain prefer living alone. Same reason for having no kids. I don't see what pets could possibly have to do with maturity. I know lots of immature people with pets.

Calling someone immature for living alone with no kids or pets amounts to judging her by the standards you've set for your own life. "She's not like me, so she's immature."

For that matter, there are plenty of 16 year old parents who live with the father of their baby and two dogs. I would hardly call that a criteria for maturity.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
This person is lovely so why would I care. The reason I care is because my husband is so passive and so forgetful, that I feel constantly burdened by running tho ngs- right or wrong-
Your husband is not passive and forgetful because of his girlfriend. If he's not carrying his share of the household burdens, then address that with him within your marriage. It's got nothing to do with her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
I feel like his girlfriend is another person who benefits by me 'running things" i.e. she never has to deal with his messes and all.
"Another person?" How many are there? Perhaps this is more your own issue than hers. If you're taking on more than your fair share, then it's your responsibility to address that within your own life. Possibly you have some codependency issues that could be addressed with some therapy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
1. Is it possible for two people who are so opposite to stay together? 2. Can I be more accepting of sex parities? Are they really more benign than I imagine? 3. How do I come to terms with not being jealous of the GF freedom?
1. Yes. My husband and I are polar opposites on all kinds of superficial issues. He votes Conservative, I'm a card carrying member of the Socialist Party of Canada. He tries to keep up with the Jones', I think the Jones are idiots. But we complement each other very well on a lot of important issues, and most important, we love each other and are willing to take the time to work through our differences. All that other stuff just gives us great debate fodder.

We're also different on some pretty important issues. I'm polyamorous, he's monoamorous. He likes casual sex, I only have intimate sex inside of relationships. We make it work.

2. That's all up to you. If you make up your mind not to accept them, then no you can't. If you're willing to be more open-minded and consider them within current reality instead of fears based on past experiences, then yes you can. Some are more benign than you imagine, some are probably worse than you can dream up. Do you trust your husband? Do you think he would enjoy something "horrible?" Have you spoken to him about what he does at these parties?

I don't really understand why it matters whether they have sex in front of strangers, or just in her apartment alone. It doesn't affect their safety. It doesn't affect you, except for how you allow your mind to worry about it.

3. You've got things she doesn't have. Sure, you don't have freedom. But you have security, intimacy, commitment...

Quote:
Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
I am NOT judging people who have sex parties. The make me uncomfortable and I don't want to be associated with them through my husband (I don't care what strangers do!) Why is this not an acceptable boundary?
It is, but you have to remember what a boundary means. It's something that you are not willing to put up with. But a boundary does not give you the right to tell someone else what they may and may not do. It only gives you the right to tell that person what your response will be if they do it. Even then, as we've been discussing in another thread, you have to be careful that it doesn't come to coersion: "Stop going to sex parties or I will leave you" is coersive.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
Also, has anyone on here been close to someone who is a meth/orgy/sex addict, just curious.
Meth, orgy, and sex are three distinct and separate addictions. The fact that your friend happened to be both a meth addict and an orgy addict does not mean that the one is caused by the other, or even related. I've been close friends with a meth addict who has since quit. My husband and girlfriend were both sex addicts in their youth, but got help before I met them.

But nothing in your post leads me to believe that either your husband or his girlfriend is a sex addict. They simply enjoy sex. They're exhibitionists, which means they like it when other people watch them have sex. If your husband is able to agree to stop going to the parties just like that, and stick to it, then he's not addicted to sex parties.
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