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Old 10-21-2012, 09:03 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 826

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
How do you bullet point "I want my boyfriend to sleep-over" and then expect him not to want to discuss it right away?

Her help request was that she didn't know how to bring it up, knowing it was a sensitive topic for him. In my opinion, bringing it up as a talking point for a discussion days away is not the most compassionate way to introduce a sensitive topic. I still believe that it sets him up for a few days of anxiety, waiting for this discussion appointment.
I on the other hand, got the idea that they set the meeting so far ahead because there wasn't anything pressing that needed to be discussed. Putting "*want to talk about my gf staying over sometime" in an email to me would be OK with me, because I OFTEN freak out on hearing new info for a couple of minutes, process it, then I'm fine. I'd rather do that bit beforehand than face to face, because it makes my husband associate telling me what he wants with me being sad or thinking I "can't handle it", instead of remembering if we fast forward 5 minutes everything is fine. Obviously that wouldn't work for you, so I imagine your partners wouldn't do that.

I did not hear her say it was a sensitive topic for him just that
1."we haven't talked about it before and so I feel super awkward bringing it up, and I think he may freak out since it's unexplored territory"
2. how do I bring it up if I am not comfortable with his gf staying over too?
#1 is very familiar to me since I always worry my husband will freak out when I bring up new stuff, but it's almost always just the worry in my head.

My boyfriend fell asleep at the end of our date last week and I was worried about him driving home all groggy. He said he'd just go check into a motel on the way home if he needed, so I had to reiterate it was fine if he ever needed to stay, but afterwards I revisited the subject with my husband since we hadn't discussed "if Brian gets tired and driving home would be less than ideal it is still OK if he spends the night" for 6 months. I wanted to reconfirm it'd be fine for me to sleep with him if that happened. They've only spent 3 minutes in the same room ever, so though it's not a sensitive topic now since we did already discuss it, it's still awkward. I remember how nervous I was to ask about it the first time.

If she had said this was touchy subject between them I wouldn't suggest sending an email list, because you're right, that's not compassionate. If she did think her husband would respond negatively to something like that, making sure there was an hour or two free that night to talk about it would make sense. Then again that's why we have 2x a week together here, if I have things I want to discuss I write them on a notepad as I think of them and we go over them that same week.. Obviously the same communication style doesn't work for everybody, but that isn't going to stop me from giving suggestions on what works for me, I'm sure Cleo can take what she wants and leave the rest.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
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