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Old 10-21-2012, 06:42 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
Thanks. So I guess my question would be - do I need to allow my husband to go to sex parties and how do I deal with someone in our lives who has this as an important activity?
I'd say the most important thing to remember is that your husband doesn't need your permission to do anything--he's free to make his own choices at all times. I suspect a major component of the troubles you're having in dealing with this is a belief that he somehow needs your permission to do anything. Drop that dysfunctional belief and things get easier to handle.

What you can do is try to find out more details about the sex parties he attends and what those actually entail. That's how you begin to figure out how safely the party goers transact their business. You have concerns and you have a responsibility to address them in a reasonable fashion.

Once you have a good idea of how safe the party activities are, you may find your concerns lessened. Or heightened. It's at that point that you can make a cogent decision regarding your boundaries--what you'll accept and what you won't. Remember that you're not making decisions for him, just yourself.

As for dealing with her enjoying sex parties, well, that's your issue, entirely. She can enjoy what she wishes--doesn't require your permission. He can choose to get involved with whom he will--doesn't require your permission. You can voice your concerns and set out boundaries concerning you--don't ask you to attend, etc.--you just don't get to establish boundaries for him.

If he decides to continue to engage in things that you find highly objectionable, then you have the choice to continue in a relationship with him or not. That's what it always comes down to: We don't get to choose what our partners do, we only get to choose what we do.

Quote:
I thought your other post to me was brutal and I reacted strongly. I am sorry. I am curious where the ethical line is - in poly it seems anything goes if you don't LIE and I'm not sure I agree with that.
The honesty is what allows poly folk to decide what they will do; we all can only make choices based on what we know. While that does allow "anything goes," that's the exact same situation that happens in monogamous relationships. The difference is that much happens in mono relationships that isn't known by everybody and some end up without all the knowledge necessary to making the best choices for themselves.

Healthy relationships all require the consent of everybody involved. If you think that at any time you have a right to remove consent from the equation--deciding what your partners may or may not do--then you've stepped away from having a healthy relationship. Relationships are healthy only when everybody involved is freely choosing what they do and choosing to stay in the relationship.

I suspect that you're having problems facing the fact that you might need to leave the relationship if he chooses to do things you find unacceptable. I'll suggest that being open to the possibility of a relationship ending is an important part of being ready for one at the outset.
__________________
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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