Originally Posted by nondy2
Thanks. So I guess my question would be - do I need to allow my husband to go to sex parties and how do I deal with someone in our lives who has this as an important activity?
I don't personally think you need to allow your husband to do anything. It's your marriage, you have joint obligations to behave in ways that are acceptable to each other. I think if it's outside your comfort limits--especially considering any disease he picks up there may come straight back to you
--you have every right to say so and have that as a hard limit.
How do you deal with her? To me, you don't. If you have a serious issue with your husband going to sex parties, you two need to make the agreement about that, and he either continues in which case you have a decision to make about your life with him, or he agrees to stop (and I think you said he has already) and he
deals with her and tells her he's not doing this with her and she
deals with herself (is she going to dump him over it, go to these parties alone, or go with someone else? Her choice, her problem.)
I thought your other post to me was brutal and I reacted strongly. I am sorry. I am curious where the ethical line is - in poly it seems anything goes if you don't LIE and I'm not sure I agree with that.
I found your response quite evenly modulated.
I can't speak for the ethical line in poly
, as I am not of this world. I'm in full agreement with you that there's a whole lot more to ethics than just not lying.
I'd be interested to hear others' responses on this question.
As far as my married friend - what would people this IS ethical? A friendship, just hand holding, no relationship at all? You said you admired the woman who was 23 and went away. But a 23 yr would not have marriage problems and not to have or give empathy. Is it entirely wrong in your eyes if we are just friends?
Honesty first and then let them work out their issues and decide what she is also comfortable with. I had an issue with 'just friends' because I was being lied to. (I still don't know which of the dozen (and that's only the dozen I know
about, I'm sure there were more) were really 'just friends' and which he was physical with.) When there is deception and behind-the-back involved, it's an emotional affair.
Also, you post seems to take all the agency out of a partner who is cheated on... I don't know about my friend, people lie! BitI my husband could not cheat on my because I am involved closely with him and constantly asking and communicating. Don't both parities have a responsibility? Perhaps my admirer IS happily married and just wants pussy. But what if he's right and she's distant and not attended - perhaps having an affair herself. Surely, this does not excuse his lying, but I believe affairs are more complex than a little ole unsuspecting wife getting injured.
I do find it a little bit of blame-the-victim to say (and I apologize if I'm shading your words differently than you intended) that it's someone's own fault if she's too stupid to figure out she's being lied to. My husband was a VERY good liar. He had his bases covered. Always had a reason. He could look me in the eye easily and lie. He was so kind and considerate in other ways. Also, and this is HUGE: I am honest. We all believe others are what we ourselves are. Because I was honest myself, I fully expected he was, too, and I wasn't looking for lies especially from a husband who was showering me with flowers and cards.
Also, I'm not saying this is the case at all in your friend's situation, but sometimes one spouse is distant because of
what the other has been doing to them for years--criticisms, neglect, insults, disrespect.
Sometimes, (often) the stories of how unhappy they are at home are a load of bull which lead someone to feel okay about having an affair with them. Sometimes (in my Xh's case), they have a deep need for sympathy and attention. I don't pretend to know which of these or other possibilities are true in your friend's case.
I agree that affairs are more complex than little old unsuspecting wife. I could easily write books, plural, on the whys and wherefores and permutations; and the 'blame' ranges from entirely on the cheater to both screwed up all over the place to the betrayed spouse was
neglectful and mean. On my infidelity board, some of the betrayed spouses acknowledge they were real shits to their spouses.
Still...I believe the answer is still honesty and facing the problems, the couple together. If his wife is a real shit to him, he needs to work this out with her, tell her it needs to stop, go to counseling himself or with her, divorce her if she absolutely refuses to be a decent and kind wife. To me, you sound torn about being involved in this. YOU will feel better if he's honest with her, if this all becomes above-board. YOU will be protecting yourself from drama, as other posters mentioned in the other thread.
Just a thought, but you also have kids. In my case, one of the girlfriends got angry about having her 'just friends' deal interrupted by the Big Bad Wife, and we had a rash of flattened and punctured tires. This is scary stuff. Bunny-boiler stuff. He nearly lost control on the highway FOUR TIMES when a tire blew at high speeds. What if I had been in the car with my children? What if I had lost control of the car? If there's one thing I CANNOT entirely get past, it's NOT what he did to me, but that he endangered our children, MY children.
Now, betrayed wives are equally capable, whether they're a completely innocent victim who never so much as swore before, or an evil bitch to begin with, of looking up the other woman (with the internet, it's very easy to do) and reacting in anger. This is the most extreme, but it's the kind of stuff people are talking about when they say they don't want to get mixed up in someone else's drama.
Affairs produce these kinds of extreme reactions in a certain percentage of cases. This is a fact.
You don't want yourself or your children exposed to the potential
fallout of a marital affair.