Originally Posted by nondy2
[QOk this is harsh. And has made me think. Thank you.
As far as ethics- Is lying the only unethical thing? I'm just curious. People can go to orgies, do meth, have random sex with hundreds of strangers- and that is ethical and moral if no no one lies? Am I being unethical if we are just friends? What should the boundaries be? No sex? No communication? Should I insist he tell his wife we are friends?
I am also guessing your 23 yr old was not in a ten year complex marriage. Right? My issue is that I am not entirely happy either -and need someone to relate to...so how does that fit into things?
As far as ethics, why is lying the only litmus test. I can't have a drink with some I CARE about because it's lying. But people can go to orgies every week because they are Honest?? Hmmm
Lying is not the only litmus test. I agree with you, there are many things that are unethical besides lying. I also see some major problems with weekly orgies, meth, and random sex with hundreds of strangers.
Yes, you should insist he tell his wife what's going on. My 23 year old was not married, but I was
in a 20+ year marriage, I was in a great deal of pain, I was unhappy with how he was treating me--and I would have told a man the exact same thing as the 23 year old.
You can still find people to relate to without stepping into a situation that will harm someone else. What hobbies or interests do you have? Join a group, take a class, go to a forum, and you will bit by bit find people with whom you can relate.
What should the boundaries be? That depends on what his wife is comfortable with. Maybe if it's all above board, she'll be fine with you having coffee and personal conversations with her husband. I know for me, my ex was in a sense 'just friends' with many of these women. It wasn't that he talked to them, even about personal things, that was a huge problem. It was the lying, sneaking, me being the third wheel in my own marriage, the only one of the three who was treated as unworthy of knowing what was happening in my own marriage that was a problem (a real spit in the face) and it was the back-stabbing and telling them I was making him miserable.
I truly do not mean to be harsh. I didn't have a boyfriend when I was still married but I did things in my own pain that maybe I could have done better. I did one thing that I feel in retrospect was a little unfair to someone else. It's my only regret in how I dealt with all my husband's infidelities and lies, and had I been on the infidelity forum sooner and said my husband is telling me to do this, they would have pointed out where I was heading and the ramifications to others, apart from calling my husband's bluff. So thank you for being willing to see past what might feel harsh. It truly is not intended to be.