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Old 10-21-2012, 04:45 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
Last night, we went out with the GF and it came out that they had had sex in front of people at a sex party,. This is my own issue and I'm trying not to judge. I am really upset by sex parties because my best fr iend has been a gay sex meth addict for 15 years. It is really difficult for me to conceptualize that these parties are safe and innocent. My husband also lied to me and downplayed the party because he knew I'd be upset. So, he put me and his lover (who I must say is a lovely honest person) in an akward position.
The lying on your husband's part is not acceptable. Doesn't feel good to be lied to, does it?

Another issue is that I like his GF a lot. But I find her lifestyle immature (lives alone, not kids, no pets etc) and he says she would never let him move in. i AM being judgmental. This person is lovely so why would I care. The reason I care is because my husband is so passive and so forgetful, that I feel constantly burdened by running tho ngs- right or wrong- I feel like his girlfriend is another person who benefits by me 'running things" i.e. she never has to deal with his messes and all. BUT she is lovely. Just because she picked a different (easier?) life than me, doesn't mean I get to judge.
Yes, this is hard. I know someone whose life appears to me to be sheer hedonism, no thought to anything but her own pleasure (usually sexual). I guess my final conclusion is that I'm entitled to my opinion. Her life is entirely devoted to her own pleasure. I do believe that's wrong on several levels and will never lead to a truly strong character. I believe we have some moral obligations in this life to lift others up, too, not to just live for ourselves.

But I keep my mouth shut. I leave it to her to deal with her own life. I don't talk to other people about her life or what I think of how she lives it. I look at her background and have compassion for the reasons she chose as she did. I focus on the good in her life.

I guess what I am asking is 1. Is it possible for two people who are so opposite to stay together? 2. Can I be more accepting of sex parities? Are they really more benign than I imagine? 3. How do I come to terms with not being jealous of the GF freedom?
1. Do you mean you and your husband? That depends on many things. My boyfriend and I are as opposite as we can be, to the point you'd hardly believe it if you read it in a book. But we respect each other. We see the good in each other. We don't try to change one another. I have to admit, as things have developed, and I've thought more deeply, I suspect I wouldn't be with him long-term if things never changed, but it would simply be a matter of, We're not a match, I'm not comfortable with this. And if you mean your husband, obviously, the ramifications of divorce are FAR greater than of me breaking up with my boyfriend. In a marriage, there must be compromise and give and take to make one another more comfortable and able to live with the differences.

2. I guess my question is why do you need to be more accepting of sex parties? If you don't like the idea, you don't. It was interesting to hear my boyfriend's view of sex parties recently when we talked about his life in that world. He sees them as a way of connecting with people on a deeper level, while acknowledging they are pure lust-satisfying orgies to others, that sometimes women are being pressured into going by their husbands, etc., and then it's not a good thing. So...I guess I'd say some are more 'benign' than others. It really depends who's going to them.

3. The secret to not being jealous is to be happy with your own life and character. I have struggled with the exact same thing, in regards to the person I referenced above. My life is staggeringly overloaded with responsibility, to the point I sometimes feel I'm on my knees pushing back at the mountain coming down and crushing me from above. It was very hard to see her living entirely carefree, her biggest worry whether her new sex toy would arrive on time for her sex party. (Okay, I'm being a little facetious there! Except in all honesty, that is about her biggest stress. She doesn't even need a job.) But when I faced myself honestly, I realized I LIKE the way I've chosen to live, I LIKE the fact that I work and support myself and am responsible and hard-working and sought after as a teacher and achieving my own victories in life. I LIKE my children and the satisfaction they give me. I LIKE my life, and I would choose it again...and again...and again.

I realized that if I could switch with her, I wouldn't. Not for anything. I wouldn't actually be happy in her life. I wouldn't be happy living as she does.

And when I read your question, I realized that that jealousy and frustration and even anger I once felt when I looked at her carefree life is entirely gone.

Best of luck to you. These are hard things to deal with.
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