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Old 10-21-2012, 04:30 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 844

If you don't sleep with your primary is that even a poly relationship?

I love my partner dearly and don't want to lose him, but I think I'm...just interested in house holding with him more than being in a love/sexual relationship -- but that seems to limit what relationships I have outside the primary one.
Life is full of limits. Every choice we make limits other things we might have done.

I know people tend to judge people who date mono people - PLEASE don't judge me. The internet is a scary place and I truly am just looking for support.
I'm going to give you some straight-forward answers, and it's not out of unkindness or judgment. It's about the kindness of telling someone upfront where the cliff is BEFORE they walk off it and hit the sharp rocks 30 feet below.

This is not about dating a mono; it's about cheating.

Your entire quote is written as I'm just a poor little girl, be niiiiiice to me, I'm soooo scaaaaared. I'm asking you to think about this man's wife. Does he have children who will be harmed when she finds out? (Because I can assure you, she will.) What about the scary place of finding out her marriage is a lie and she may be on her own, to support herself and children when perhaps she has never had to do so? FINDING YOU ARE THE SPOUSE OF A CHEATER IS A SCARY PLACE. You are putting someone else in that scary place.

Why should anyone support you in an action that is bound to inflict great pain and damage on another human being?

Originally Posted by nondy View Post
I know this is [wrong], and I feel terrible, but he's truly unhappy in his relationship and I have a hard time connecting with people.
The word BUT, as used here, is a way of explaining why you are above normal rules governing decent treatment of other human beings.

What if you were in a marriage with someone you loved dearly and trusted entirely and found out he was lying to you and cheating and telling people how miserable he is with you...and his girlfriend who had conspired behind your back explained to you that she knows it's wrong BUT he's miserable with you and she personally has a hard time connecting so she feels entitled to your husband, behind your back, despite the fact that it hurts you...

...would this be okay with you?

Please...treat others as you would like to be treated.

I would strongly suggest you do extensive reading on an infidelity forum to see the total devastation a woman suffers when she finds out the husband she loved and trusted is cheating on her. Find out how she feels about the woman involved.

My ex-husband was involved with at least a dozen women, most of whom were quite okay with being part of lying to me (by omission). I have nothing but disrespect for their character. They have none.

By contrast, one 23 year old girl, when she realized where he was leading, telling her his sad little stories about how unhappy he was, told him firmly and politely, "I'm uncomfortable with these conversations. I don't want to be in the middle of your marriage problems. Please don't contact me in private again." This girl is going places because she is strong, she owns herself, she knows right from wrong and does what is right regardless of how she feels. She will always have self-respect. She will never have to use the word BUT, or beg people not to judge her--because she is confident in her own character and how she has behaved.

You can ask, all you want, for people not to judge you, because it's all so scary and you're entitled to her husband, and he's so unhappy, blah blah blah, but the cold, hard fact is that everybody has their opinions, and MANY will have a low opinion of what you are doing.

Again, I say this NOT out of unkindness or judgment, but out of the deepest compassion for what lies ahead: Do you want to see this cliff and the rocks below before or after you walk off it?

Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
As far as seeing someone who is cheating, I have a slightly different feeling than most poly people might. Yes. I agree it is unethical. Yes. I agree that it is unwise and I probably will get out.
However, I do have sympathy for people who are unhappily married and CAN'T be poly - and don't want to get divorced. I am not saying it is right. I am saying I have empathy - because I am somewhat in that situation too - except (luckily my husband is open minded). What does someone do if they are unhappily married but can't get divorced either- ?
You can have sympathy and empathy and still not be part of hurting another human being (his wife.) If it is unethical, don't do it.

When I was unhappily married but felt I couldn't divorce, I made a decision I was going to honor my marriage vows, because my character mattered to me, regardless of what choices XH made. I went to al-anon and learned a great deal about focusing on my own choices, not his. I made a decision to take responsibility for my own happiness. I pursued a hobby I'd always loved, went out and met new friends in that field (including my current married, poly friend) worked hard at it, and built it into a business. I focused on being the best mother and employee and teacher I could be because that matters. I focused on my relationship with God, because that matters.

The end result is that my children are not happy about the divorce (I finally filed because XH was now stealing money from me and running us so deeply into debt we would have lost the house--I did it to protect myself and my children financially, to keep a roof over their heads.) BUT...I am at peace with myself and my choices. I have no fears of them finding out anything I've ever done or blaming me for the divorce. I stand blameless before God, regardless of the lies my xh and even my own family are telling about me, and that gives me peace. I never have to use the word BUT.... If my current boyfriend is ever a part of my children's lives, they will have NO cause to think he had any part in breaking up their family (because he didn't--he was 120% honorable and didn't so much as flirt with me until the divorce had been FINAL for several months.)

The end result is that those who know me KNOW that I live with integrity and honor and honesty and I have their respect.

We don't need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy. We don't need other people to change and be what we want to be happy. Happiness comes from being happy with who we've chosen to be, from doing the right thing.
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