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Old 10-21-2012, 01:52 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,896

Originally Posted by Eudora View Post
Can we stop ourselves from falling in love?
I don't fall in love easily, so, for me, it feels almost inevitable when it does happen. I think the only way to stop yourself from falling in love is to not put yourself in situations where you get close enough to another person to love them (as opposed to just crushing on them from a distance) - so, if you are open to getting close to people, there is a chance you will love them.

I'm going to chop and paste a bit in responding to the rest of your post to put some things together. Please correct me if that places things out of context.

Originally Posted by Eudora View Post
3) we both felt it would help us address issues in our relationship head-on rather than the polite side-stepping we'd been doing up to that point.

Originally Posted by Eudora View Post
After a breakdown in communication led us to the idea of an open relationship as a way to heal our distance and keep us together (we both deeply wanted to stay together, but were't yet sure how to do that. I'd never been in a relationship where so much felt "at stake."
"Relationship broken, add more people." is a formula that many people find doesn't work out so hot. Poly shines spotlights on all the weak spots in a relationship - even ones that are strong and healthy to start with. If you know, going in, that there are issues, it is probably best to address those first, in preparation for "opening up".

Originally Posted by Eudora View Post
It was hard for me not to take his waning sex drive personally. My sex drive had gone all kinds of crazy (and still is in over-drive) and his had settled down rather quickly. I was often (ok, always) the one to initiate sex. Sometimes I couldn't get him interested. Sometimes R just kind of sucked as a lover. Most times he was present and the sex was the best because of how emotionally connected we were.
Originally Posted by Eudora View Post
Meanwhile, R has realized that being in an open relationship hasn't boosted his sex drive as he thought it might.
I completely relate to this! MrS's sex drive started out (20 years ago) as medium-low and got lower, mine started out at medium-high and got higher. And it IS hard not to take it personally.

And, now that things have settled down, poly actually has helped smooth out these differences. Not, I don't think, because MrS's sex drive is any higher but now the "pressure is off" so to speak. He is free to be as sexy as he feels like with me without worrying that each encounter has to be the end-all-be-all of my sexual experience. If I end up getting all horny, and he is not "feeling it" then I have another outlet and don't get frustrated. Now Dude, whose sex drive is through the roof, is in the same predicament as I was ( I tease him that he needs a "morning girlfriend" - because I am so not up for that).

Originally Posted by Eudora View Post
We discussed what being open meant to us and we seemed to be on the same page. It's not about fucking strangers for the sake of fucking strangers. It's not about having new boyfriends or girlfriends. It was something... in between. We were really specific about what our boundaries were sexually, emotionally it was harder to describe. We have a no-sleeping over rule, a commitment to using protection and a commitment to be up front with each other about potential partners, activities with those partners, etc.
OK, good, you talked all about theory and were on the same page, communicated boundaries etc. Good start. You were looking for something between "fucking strangers" and "boyfriends or girlfriends" - sounds like you were aiming for "Friends-with-benefits" or "Lover-Friends" - perfectly reasonable. But our emotions don't always follow our intentions. Once you enter a relationship with someone, even if only as friends, then that relationship takes on a life of its own and can grow in unexpected directions.

A lot of the rest of your post basically describes why you love each of these men and boils down to:

Originally Posted by Eudora View Post
They each offer me something very different and very needed.
Which is something often talked about here - that one person can not be another person's "everything." We appreciate different friends for the different attributes that they bring into our lives, why should it not be the same with lovers/partners?

Originally Posted by Eudora View Post
H doesn't want me to leave R. I don't want to leave R for H. I understand that my relationship with H is what it is because of my relationship with R and the distance between us and the incompleteness of it.
Originally Posted by Eudora View Post
H is fine with R being in my life, and actually very supportive of it. R fears that I would be happier if I left him for H. I don't want that and I don't even think it would work.... I love the relationship I have with H but I don't want it to damage my relationship with R. I still see a more significant and long-lasting future with R. That is true. I guess what I am afraid of is my love for H casting too much of a shadow on R, especially in this limerence stage. I can't bear to think of losing either of them.
I distinctly remember feeling very similar last year. Early in my relationship with Dude.

MrS went though a time when he felt that I would be happier if he left me to Dude. I think this was mainly a reaction to, to be perfectly blunt, all the sex we were having (NRE combined with "catching up" on the sex I hadn't been getting)- which made him feel like sex was "the most important thing" to me, which was feeding his insecurity because that was the one area of our relationship where we don't mesh as well.

Through much conversation and over time, with experience, he was able to see that I was able to enjoy my relationship with Dude MORE because I have MrS to fulfill my needs that HE was best able to meet and that I was able to enjoy my relationship with MrS MORE because I have Dude to fulfill my needs that HE was best able to meet. AND because no one person had to fulfill ALL of my needs ALL of the time the pressure and strain on both relationships was lessened. (Interestingly, because they are best friends as well as metamours they are able to fulfill needs for EACH OTHER which decreases the strain on ME).

Originally Posted by Eudora View Post
I don't even know what I am asking right now but I know I need some advice. I don't like feeling split between two loves.
I don't know that I have any great words of wisdom to impart. It comes down to the basics - honesty, integrity, communication...and time. Work on your relationship with R - address his concerns, show him love and affection in the ways that he understands best (have you guys take the 5 Love Languages test?). Recognize that you are still in the NRE stage of your new relationship and that the "rose-colored" glasses will clear after a while (although it seems that NRE is extended if people are in LDRs - the honeymoon is extended).

Your relationship with H will almost certainly "impact" your relationship with R but that doesn't mean that it has to "damage" it. Talk to R about what makes him feel special and cherished in your relationship. Ask him if there are things that you could do to lessen the impact. An H-free period of time everyday where you don't txt/phone/email H so you are available for R exclusively? A "go out and do stuff" date once a week? A get-away weekend once a month?

Love is infinite, time is not. You don't need to "split" yourself - you may need to divide your attention, BUT I think it helps if whoever has your attention at the moment has your FULL attention. Be present in the moment of enjoying whomever you are with.

Hope that at least some of what I have said is relevant or useful.


PS. You might want to look at your own feelings behind this statement in relation to the rest of your post:

Originally Posted by Eudora View Post
He sees a woman in an open marriage about once a month, if that, and he seems pretty blase about it. She's gorgeous and sweet, but i'm not intimidated because she's not really R's type....
Because, really, why should you be intimidated even if she were exactly R's "type"? He would still love you for what makes you YOU.
JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 10-21-2012 at 01:56 PM.
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