Its our first big hiccup and Im in need of advice
Hi there, Im Bex.
My husband and I decided at my request to explore a poly relationship nearly a year ago. In that time we had been pretty open with each other about interests and he had one connection with a woman when he was away for work. When he got back we discussed it and I was fine. I clarified my need to know what is going on (I think that might be a personal kink - which Im not sure is normal or not), and that he needed to tell me asap when things arose. From my point of view I have been proactive in letting him know before anything happens, so that he knows where I am at and how I am feeling about the interactions and attractions I have with other people.
We recently hit a big road bump...
He slept with a number of my friends and did not tell me about it. He insists that he was planning to, but once he hadn't said anything about the first one, he felt that if mentioned the others he was concerned about how I would react around them since I was working on a project with them. Most of them were single events, one person he slept with twice and there was also a girl he was seeing for a few weeks (which ended up being the reason I found out, from a friend and not him). When we first discussed it I was upset, I felt he had plenty of time to tell me, and he was being open with her around our friends when I wasn't there. Just not with me. He told me about 2 of the people he had slept with when I asked if there were more. As I was starting to get myself out of my slump, I bumped into another friend of mine and gave her a run down of the stresses in my life she let me know that he had not disclosed all of the truth, and that I needed to re-approach him. This was a week after first finding out he had been decietful. We had another arguement, and I told him that I knew he had been lying, and that I needed the truth. It was a total of 7 of my friends.
I feel really stupid, and I am completely blown away by his actions. In my mind, entering a polyamory relationship with my husband would give us the opportunity to share more love, to explore that new world together and still check in to make sure the other was ok, and we weren't moving too quickly. I realise now that we have serious communication issues, and I have lost my trust. I dont want to give up the idea of being poly - it just resonates for me, but I dont know whether I can come back to the middle with him on this one. Its not that I dont love him, I do. I just feel really hurt, and left out. I feel like all of my friends were party to a big lie, and of the multitudes that knew, only one could be honest with me. Even the person who I thought was my best friend couldn't give me that, and for me communication is the non-negotiable. Open and honest on all fronts to all parties.
I dont know if I am over-reacting, but I am not sure that I want to continue to be with him. He says it was all one big mistake.... to me it feels like many.
I read a few of the advice forums and I really appreciated the range of perspectives that you gave. I could use some of that myself if anyone has the time.