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Old 10-21-2012, 03:22 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Terra Nullius
Posts: 413

Talking with Ocean was excellent, and healing. We met up for lunch, walked through the park, then sat with limbs entwined on a bench and drew a joint picture of the river. I shared the sack of issues in my mind, and he talked about how we was doing. Had coffee and cake afterwards, then parted ways for the evening.

When I got home, Ocean was feeling quite down. Seems his meds may need changing again (gah). He's really tired of dealing with depression. It's as if the clouds went away for a tantalisingly brief time, and now it's grey again. Hoping he'll get an appointment with his doctor early this week.

I find it hard to take it personally, when O is depressed. I felt like maybe he's feeling shit because I'm back, and causing problems for him. It's hard not to think this way, when there's a contemporaneity between me coming home, and him feeling depressed again (after getting better while I was away). But that's a dangerous cycle to buy into. He feels it's chemical, and is going to see if pill change helps. Bleh, poor thing.

I'm not always upbeat about him and Menrva, and I'm not sure why. Her and her husband recently got two rabbits, and are thinking of what to name them, something that matches. Ocean mentioned this to me, and instead of thinking "oooh, what are some names", I felt disinterested.

I don't think it's a good thing to fake interest. I just wish it was... there.

I like them well enough (Menrva and her husband), and I wish them well... They're also very nice, friendly, social, etc etc. Menrva sent cake and chocolates back home with Ocean recently to share with me, for example. So I want to be open and welcoming towards them. Going round to see a movie tonight, and have e-mailed Menrva about catching up for a coffee sometime.

What I feel about Menrva may be similar to what Ocean felt about Grotto, when we first got together. Nothing against him, but not drawn to being friends.

It might be some inherent 'metamour' tension. Or some harshness/stubborness coming to the surface? Not sure.

I think if Ocean and I get enough time and connection together, I'll feel better towards Menrva. Also, if I'm in a good space with things that I'm doing.
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