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Old 10-20-2012, 10:26 PM
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Eudora Eudora is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: new york city
Posts: 9
Question in Love with two Men, feel split at the seams.

Can we stop ourselves from falling in love?

Fell in love with a man for the first time at 26. We're very compatible & supportive. Let's call him R.
Long story: A little more than a year ago I met a man who really excited me. We binged on each other for a week and by the end of that week I would cry just thinking of him. My knees would go weak. I felt an intense happiness around him I'd never had before. Though I'd been in long term relationships (several 2 & 1-year ones) before that were loving and kind, this was the first time I had fallen in love AND been deeply compatible with my lover. We really compliment and complete each other in significant ways. I never wanted children until I met him. I never wanted to 'settle down' in any way until I met him.

About 7 months in we decided to open the relationship because 1) I had always wanted to and felt it was necessary for me in a long-term thing 2) R felt his sex drive had waned 3) we both felt it would help us address issues in our relationship head-on rather than the polite side-stepping we'd been doing up to that point.
Longer story: It was hard for me not to take his waning sex drive personally. My sex drive had gone all kinds of crazy (and still is in over-drive) and his had settled down rather quickly. I was often (ok, always) the one to initiate sex. Sometimes I couldn't get him interested. Sometimes R just kind of sucked as a lover. Most times he was present and the sex was the best because of how emotionally connected we were. After a breakdown in communication led us to the idea of an open relationship as a way to heal our distance and keep us together (we both deeply wanted to stay together, but were't yet sure how to do that. I'd never been in a relationship where so much felt "at stake." In past relationships I had tried to go open and my partners had always said No. I knew it was something I would need to be... eventually...

We discussed what being open meant to us and we seemed to be on the same page. It's not about fucking strangers for the sake of fucking strangers. It's not about having new boyfriends or girlfriends. It was something... in between. We were really specific about what our boundaries were sexually, emotionally it was harder to describe. We have a no-sleeping over rule, a commitment to using protection and a commitment to be up front with each other about potential partners, activities with those partners, etc.

Then I met another man.
Oh god did I meet another man. Let's call him H.
Long story: I liked H instantly as a friend. We met at party and were inseparable, fascinated by each other. I told him about R that night, then the next time we spoke I let him know that the relationship was open. R was about to leave town, but I told R the night I met H that I had met this great new person and I wanted to start seeing him. The attraction to H felt thrilling but manageable at first. I didn't prefer H's company to R's. In fact, the day after the first kiss with H I went to meet R out of town for a vacation and we had the most amazing sex and connection and talks all week. In between that, I was writing a letter to H. I write a lot on my own and writing to H felt exciting. I felt this intellectual excitement with F that wasn't as present with R. We wrote (and still write) long letters to each other. I used to write letters to R, but he didn't like to write back. He's not much for writing. R is a great talker, though, and we communicate well in non-written ways. Still, I missed the act of writing, something I had cherished in past relationships (platonic and romantic.)

The second date with H I realized I was falling in love with him. Sexually, intellectually, emotionally... with H there is less of a soul/spiritual connection that I have with R.... with R there is less of an intellectual connection, though there is one, it's just not as complex.

H, however, lives in another city now. He comes back here about once a month and every time he comes back (it's only been about four months) we see each other and it's great. (Well, of course it's great, we're new lovers... so we have that going for us.) Still! It feels like more than limerence, partially because the intellectual connection is so lively. I am inspired by H. I'm also inspired by R. I don't feel less in love with R now that I have met H, but I also feel like I'm split in two. I long for both of them, but of course since H is new and we are so fucking star-crossed (distance, non-primary-ness) I think of him with a different intensity...

Meanwhile, R has realized that being in an open relationship hasn't boosted his sex drive as he thought it might. My sex drive is still insane. (H and I fuck like mad when he's here, several times each encounter, though mostly we do is talk and hold each other.) I have several other very occasional lovers (all of whom are great, but none of whom I really LOVE). I probably orgasm once or twice a day. R is good on an orgasm a week, if that, so his drive to be with other women isn't really even there, though he was a big proponent of opening the relationship. He sees a woman in an open marriage about once a month, if that, and he seems pretty blase about it. She's gorgeous and sweet, but i'm not intimidated because she's not really R's type....

H & I talk on skype occasionally and write long letters to each other. We say we love each other, though not often. H always qualifies this by saying, I don't just love you, I am IN love with you. H says he has never been in love before, though he has been in some long term relationships. He always fucks them up, he says. H doesn't want me to leave R. I don't want to leave R for H. I understand that my relationship with H is what it is because of my relationship with R and the distance between us and the incompleteness of it.

I don't even know what I am asking right now but I know I need some advice. I don't like feeling split between two loves. They each offer me something very different and very needed. H is fine with R being in my life, and actually very supportive of it. R fears that I would be happier if I left him for H. I don't want that and I don't even think it would work.... I love the relationship I have with H but I don't want it to damage my relationship with R. I still see a more significant and long-lasting future with R. That is true. I guess what I am afraid of is my love for H casting too much of a shadow on R, especially in this limerence stage. I can't bear to think of losing either of them.

Thank you if you read all this. I didn't really edit it. My apologies.
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