Posted on this thread http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=30556
A point and technicality regarding how we communicate that I think it very pertinent to maintaining boundaries, personal responsibility AND reducing conflict between metamours.
Honesty-CRITICAL point to me-bit drama in my life over "lies of omission" and "sugar-coating" the truth (as Maca put it).
It's a hard lesson for many people, as our society promotes so much lying (to ourselves and to others) and people really have to be motivated to do a lot of slowing down-so they can pay attention to what is going on in their mind FULLY before they open their mouth.
What you describe-is TO ME lying TO YOU by omission.
It was also lying to her by omission-BUT I don't think he needs to tell her what the agreement is-
he needs to claim his choices
EVEN IF HE WAS HESITANT TO AGREE,
if he has agreed-it is now HIS CHOICE to limit his availability.
(as for WHY you two have that agreement-I'm not going to get into it)
I won't re-iterate what I detailed in the links that BG already posted.
But-I will say, that agreements between any two partners, aren't the business of additional partners.
Let me give a small example that combined with what I wrote regarding rules in the other thread may help.
I have two partners. Maca and GG.
Maca and I have a fairly extensive written agreement (feel free to read it on my personal blog, boundaries page).
GG and I do not have a written agreement.
However, GG and I do have a verbal agreement that includes the detail that I will have no other male lovers (besides himself and Maca).
THIS IS NOT part of my agreement with Maca.
I have NOT shared this verbal agreement info with Maca because IT DOES NOT AFFECT HIM IN ANY WAY and therefore is completely not pertinent to him.
I have been approached by other men who are interested in dating me.
I do not tell them about this agreement either.
I tell them the truth AS IT PERTAINS TO THEM
"I'm not open to having another partner at this time."
This is the absolute truth because EVEN THOUGH I don't have an agreement with EITHER Maca or GG that I can't date a woman, I have an agreement WITH MYSELF that I won't consider having a third partner until after I get my Bachelors degree.
Therefore, saying that I am not open to having another partner is the truth and it is the whole truth.
IF someone asked me about my reasons, I would elaborate upon the fact that I am in school and unable to give the amount of time and attention I PERSONALLY deem appropriate to another relationship.
At no point does it matter that GG would prefer I not date another man. BECAUSE GG's preference does not dictate my decisions. When I agreed to his request, it became MY choice and MY decision.
I find it VERY VERY VERY VERY (keep repeating that a few dozen times) to tell another person that you can (or can't) do x,y,z "because" of your partner. That is shrugging off the personal responsibility for your choices.
A sentence example (or two):
"Safer sex is very important to me and therefore I choose not to participate in any sex acts before having STI testing done for myself and the other party."-self responsibility shown
"We have an agreement that none of us will have sex with another person before everyone has STI testing done."-shrugging off personal responsibility
"I make time with my current partners a high priority, so in considering new partners, I am looking for someone who is willing to socialize as a group with my current partners in order to allow more time for me to spend with each partner overall."-self responsibility shown
"My husband and I have agreed that if we start a new relationship that person can only have one overnight a week and two alone dates with us, but they are welcome to come hang out with the family as often as they want."-shrugging off personal responsibility
ANYTIME you shrug off personal responsibility, you are effectively setting it up for your partners to build resentments with one another over the appearance that one (or the other) is controlling the others relationship with you. UNCOOL.
We are adults and we have freedom of choice. IF YOU AGREE to some limitation-it is NOW YOUR preference and should be stated as such.
This is a written boundary between Maca and I.
OBVIOUSLY-not something we would tell someone was a boundary-that would negate the point of it altogether actually.
BUT-it was learned the hard way.
Telling partners that the other partner has set a limitation upon them sets a very controlling and negative tone to the dynamic.
it's also lying.
Your other partner can't FORCE you to do (or not do) anything.
At the point where you agree to something-it is now YOUR OWN CHOICE to do (or not do) it.
Therefore, telling someone else it is your partners limitation, IS LYING.