1) Why is he telling H agreements between you? In a way that makes it sounds like you are the "bad guy?" Rather than in a couple way that is "No, I have other agreements to meet with my other partner. I cannot do that." Why is he telling you he tells her? Is he trying to make you jealous?
2) Not telling the whole truth is called "selective truthing" or "half truth" or "lies of omission." Not cool.
I don't want to create more problems, but the core necessity for me in this is total honesty and I don't think I'm getting that.
How are you creating problems? You have your wants, needs, and limits. He has his. That is fair.
He chooses his behavior. You choose yours. That is fair.
You bringing it to his attention that he's crossed a limit of yours? That is fair. He is not a mind reader. And you'd expect to hold you accountable if you stepped in his toes, right? That is fair. You can't mind reader him either.
Any advice out there for disagreements about what "the truth" is?
Don't worry about "truth" -- worry about actions of behavior being done/not done. His behavior is not respecting one of your limits -- clarify the how. What is your preference? What do you WANT? Had he told her EVERYTHING, would you be happy? Or is the crux not so much the telling partial things or telling everything, but the telling things period?
Without your knowing it was going to be told?
What do you want him to say next time this comes up?
- Do not tell your Other agreements between us unless they bump on a limit. If so, tell her simply "I cannot do that. I have agreements with my other partner to keep.
- Do not tell your Other agreements between us without checking in with me first to come to agreement for how much to tell.
- Do not tell your Other agreements between us at all.
- If you tell your Other agreements between us, tell it ALL.
- Some other preference of yours not yet listed.
- Some kind of mix and match of the above.
And what is your consequence when the behavior he chooses bumps up on a limit of yours?
In my universe,
lies is a 1 strike you are out. Because I cannot know how to trust if I'm being given misinformation in a polyship. Too much hinges on good communication. Everything else I'm willing to work out on 3 strikes. The 4th time on the same issue? This person is not trying. So I'm better off without them.
I'm sorry you are going through this, esp if all your time together is talking about H or fighting.