View Single Post
Old 10-19-2012, 08:17 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,854

Sorry, I was in a rush earlier.

I would use that sheet as a tool when you talk to yourself and self assess. Then again when you talk to Mrs Wizard. Then again as a tool when you talk to Cookie. Then again as a tool when you talk in TRIO. Pass and repass to make sure all are on the same page.

Nobody ever died from going slow and deliberate when opening up a marriage.

Especially when you say this --

I have always had a problem with stating clearly what I want, particularly with women.
You have identified one weak point in the chain. Are there any others you can ID and strengthen before going there?

Each one of you could take a pass through that checklist and assess your individual fitness in each of those areas. Then the fitness of the group working as a team.

I won't copy over the detailed things but the general categories with some thinking points for you (I do not expect you to answer ME. I expect you to talk to your sweetie.)

1. Lack of Poly Education
2. Lack of Basic Intimate Relationship Skills
  • Do each of you have the ability to know and articulate your wants, needs, and limits to others?
  • Do each of you have good conflict resolution skills?
  • Do each of you take constructive feedback well/give constructive feedback well? (critique is different than criticicism)

3. The Kid in the Candy Store Syndrome
  • Are Mr Wizard and Mrs Wizard going to date at the same time?
  • What is the polysaturation point?

4. Hunting Ducks where the Ducks are and where they are not
  • Is Cookie even interested? Is she too soon after the death of spouse? (A few months is unseemly to me. Even if she is interested, give it the time for mourning to pass. You don't want to be a rebound relationship do you?)
  • Do you know what type of open relationship model you are going for here? Are all the players even wanting the same model?

5. Various ways we jump the gun
  • Is the marriage solid? All needs being met?
  • Are YOU solid? No self esteem issues or other inner things to deal with first in preparation?

6. Letting guilt, fear and jealousy get the best of us
  • How out are you going to be?
  • How will you handle pressure from without?

7. Worries about poly parenting
  • Does this apply in your situation if you have young kids?
  • What about grandkids?
  • What about adult children?

8. Failing to get what poly demands of us all.
  • Can you be a good metamour?
  • Can you be good to YOUR metamours? (the lover of your lover)
  • Can you be a good hinge? (You would be the shared sweetie between wife and cookie)

Hopefully you will have a good talk.

Whatever the outcome ("YES, we are ready" or "Maybe we need more prepartion work" or "No, let's not go there at all"), sharing with your wife is hopefully a good thing.

You may need more than one talking session here. Every group is different. It could take more than one pass to ID potential weak points and iron out wrinkles.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-19-2012 at 08:19 PM.
Reply With Quote