I like to think that my actions in the world are generally for the best, and that I've got a handle on the things about myself that would benefit from changing and am working on them. Within that framework, I feel pretty good about the idea of being me on the average day. But, very occasionally, I feel like such a flailing mess of uselessness and fail that I just wanna quit everything and crawl under some blankets and wait to starve.
I was in an accident last night, a three car pile up in the rain, in which Car #1 stopped suddenly, Car #2 rear-ended Car #1 and then I hit Car #2. I saw it coming and braked, but the car just kept going. I might have been going too fast, I'm honestly not sure. It had just started raining, and I know that's when the roads are most treacherous, so at least I should have been going very cautiously, and I can't say that I was. I could have tried the emergency brake but I didn't do it in time. Bee was in the backseat. We're both fine, but two of the passengers from Car #2 were taken away in stretchers for possible whiplash.
It happened just around the corner from Gia and Eric's house, I had been taking Bee with me on a quick errand to get him out of their hair for a minute. I called, they came and got him (he had fallen back asleep in his carseat), I stayed to deal with the police. After they left, I let myself think about the fact that he could have been hurt, and I broke down a little bit. Ugh, so horrifying.
Eventually we were all allowed to leave. The boyfriend of the driver in the front car gave me a ride back to G & E's place. I dealt with my insurance, held Bee for a bit as Gia reassured me that he was fine, then told Gia that I'd have to ask one of them for a ride home because their couch (really just a loveseat) isn't very comfortable (leaving unsaid that there wasn't room in their bed). She said "Oh, right, I'd forgotten, yeah..." and then went quiet for a couple of minutes. This is what she does when something upsets her and she has to process it. Then she changed the subject, and helped me with costuming things. After a bit, I brought it back up and she asked Eric to give me a ride, which of course he did. I'm sorry, sweetie, I wish I could've stayed too.
Despite the hyperbolic start to this post, I'm fine, really. Just, not the best evening.