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Old 10-19-2012, 04:27 PM
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MusicalRose MusicalRose is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Central Ohio
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Waves are starting to calm down I think. Ripples will persist for a while I am sure, but I think both of us are getting a lot more balanced. We have started up a habit of still having open and honest conversations about it whenever one of us is feeling upset.

He seems to have really gotten out of his initial funk with it. A few days ago when he requested to talk to me he was talking about regretting moving in together, regretting trying to quit smoking in the first place, and feeling like nobody cared about him. Now he is a bit more positive and motivated it seems. Actually admitted last night that he actually thinks it is better and he kind of likes being on a break while he works on this because he knows he has to do it himself.

Still trying to figure out where that comfort line is. He tends toward a hug or a pat on the back if I am upset. It is nonsexual and non-romantic, but at the same time I think it may be a bit too far too soon. I expressed to him that because I am still hurting over the breakup, that getting physical touch from when I get upset may inadvertently reinforce my likelihood to act in those ways (unconsciously but still very real) and that I'd like him to just talk to me or try to get me to talk instead of trying to give a hug or a pat on the back. I thought it was good to tell him as a blanket ahead of time because if I am crying or trying to ward off a panic attack I am not necessarily present or strong enough to refuse that comfort.

He is looking into a number of ADHD treatments. He is especially interested in bupropion right now because it supposedly helps mitigate ADHD in many cases, acts as a mild antidepressant without as many side effects as SSRIs and is also FDA approved for helping people to quit smoking. It can be used in conjunction with the stimulants that are used more typically to mitigate ADHD symptoms.

I guess it'll just take more time for the awkwardness of interactions and stuff to pass. We have to learn to be friends without being romantic/sexual.

As some of the initial nastiness is starting to abate, I'm finding a new and a bit unexpected challenge. I caught myself twice last night almost ready to give him a kiss on the top of the head after I did so with my fiance before going to bed just out of habit. I imagine those habits are going to start popping up now that the crisis mode is over and I'm going to have to keep a really good eye on them. I haven't let any of them slip, but I hope that they stop happening soon because it is kind of depressing that an unconscious habit is bringing the conscious pain back, even if temporarily.
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