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Old 10-19-2012, 03:58 PM
playswellwithothers playswellwithothers is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 15
Default Struggling Secondary

When I met my bf, we were both married. He was in an open poly marriage (though he had never acted on it; she had a couple of times--both short-term relationships). He had thought he would avoid someone who was married--until he met and fell in love with me. He had thought he would avoid anyone with children--until he met and fell in love with me.

My soon-to-be-ex-husband (separated for three years now) tried to be ok and open to poly, and really just couldn't do it. No beefs from me--you either are or you aren't, and he just wasn't. It was tearing him up, and he eventually chose to end our marriage (which was struggling anyway from other issues).

The thing is, not having a primary on my end as sort of thrown my relationshop with bf out of whack for me. He's got someone full-time at home; I do not (unless you count my son). He has lots of time limitations; I do not. And when my son moved in with me full-time and it became time to tell him that "my friend" was actually my poly bf, bf's wife opted out of our friendship (we had always been a vee with my bf as hinge, but the wife and I were friendly and had socialized a few times). It hurt a lot. I thought I had a family--turned out I didn't. She, unlike her husband, has not changed her mind about the ethics about poly with kids. Her rules of "no kids" remains unchanged.

But that's between them, and not my problem. At least, it hasn't so far become my problem.

My problem is that I had never been in a poly relationship before, and I didn't know what it would feel like until I was into it. I am head over heels for this man, and have been for almost six years now. I would happily have a primary relationship with him (not asking him to give up his wife, I don't mean exclusively primary). He says he's "not available" for that role.

I have no doubts about our love for each other. We work fabulously together. There's just never enough time, or enough....ENOUGH.....for me. Last week, I seriously considered breaking things off over this. But after some long talks with my therapist and with my own self, I thought, well, that's just stupid--I love this guy, he loves me, we are awesome together, when we can be together.

Problem is, I don't know how to stop wanting more, or how to love him less. I don't know how to fit my love into a secondary-sized box.

I believe the answer may be in truly BEING poly, not just in theory, but in practice--and finding others to love. (One of the reasons I joined this group.)

I don't think I'm actually looking for a primary--I am a single mom, partially disabled, and a struggling entrepreneur, in addition to my part-time relationship with bf. There's not a lot of energy left over. But I don't want to put labels on what I'm looking for, because I think things evolve how they will, and who knows how I'll come to feel about someone else?

I don't think I've asked one clear, coherent question here. But comments, feedback, support, and thoughts from those with more experience would be welcome.

As a single mom, I'm not looking to overwhelm my son (or me) with tons of people to keep track of, in and out of our lives. I'm not bi. I guess I'm looking to add another relationship with more availability than my current bf?

Does this sound like I am making any kind of sense, or more like I am trying to order off a particularly confusing menu?
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