I still really want to sit down with Leaf and Flower and see if we can't work it out. I have known from the very beginning she didn't seem like a poly person. I don't think she understands what we want. I know Leaf still wants to be with both of us. I just don't know if he is capable of explaining it properly to her. He's not the best with words - that's me. I feel like if I could just talk to her then we wouldn't need this ultimatum at all. I want them to go through the NRE with me still by his side and then let us figure out the long term. She's not giving us that option right now.
Hon, what if you do all that and she STILL does not want polyship? When do you LISTEN?
Doesn't she have the right to seek the relationship shape that suits her?
Why bother asking her to compromise herself and her wants/beliefs just so you and Leaf can be happy?
Let her choose her next behavior. Let her go. Let her leave and find her next happiness.
Let him choose his next behavior. Let him follow her. If he thinks his happiness is with her -- well, go then.
Choose to let it all come out in the wash. You do not control their behavior. You can only control your own.
And you can choose YOU and YOUR next happiness. And this is totally true:
I don't think I could just sit there waiting though. I would go out and meet people and maybe even have another relationship by the time he came back. I can't guarantee him a place in my life if he won't give me a secure place in his.
Breaking up is not the end of the world.
It's not flattering to him to be so wishywashy and keeping his established partner hanging like this. Not cool!
He is not giving you the right to clear communication or the right to responsiveness so you know where you stand. So... move it forward without his input. Reach out for stability for YOU. Set him free and separate finances and all that. Then you can get to a stable place even if you have to pass thru some short term ugh to get there.
If you end up coming back together at some point -- that's worry in future. Deal with what is here NOW. Choose to choose YOU.