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Old 10-18-2012, 09:31 PM
LostInLove4 LostInLove4 is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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I have debated the options if we choose to separate or break up. Leaf is my best friend in the whole world. The idea of having nothing to do with him at all is hard to swallow. It might be necessary though. I know he would like us to remain in contact and for me to continue living in the city we currently are in. He would like to still have a relationship with me but not a romantic one. He would still love me as a friend. I have thought about moving back home to be with my family and friends. This has been such an emotional roller coaster for me and my trust in him is shattered.

A temporary separation sounds good at first, but then I think that I would spend the whole time waiting for someone who might not be coming back. It will just prolong the pain I'm in. If he ever decided to come back to me... I would probably forgive and take him back. I believe in second chances. I don't know what my situation would be so I can't say for sure. I don't think I could just sit there waiting though. I would go out and meet people and maybe even have another relationship by the time he came back. I can't guarantee him a place in my life if he won't give me a secure place in his.

I believe my happiness matters to him but only if the conditions of my happiness are not counter to his. In this case, making me happy would also make him sad because he will have to give up Flower. It goes both ways right now though because he doesn't want to make Flower happy by leaving me because that makes him sad. It's a catch 22 and I don't blame him for that. I do blame him for thinking that he doesn't love me "as much" as he loves her. This is the impression I get from him and while I can see it as NRE and ORE he kinda believes in the more/less love idea - which I have always shunned.

If he leaves he will have to support himself and he knows that. Our lease in conveniently up at the end of Nov. We will have to "divorce" our finances which will not be easy.

When I started supporting him it definitely put a strain on our relationship. I don't think there was any resentment between us but there was certainly a lot of stress trying to tighten the belt because I don't make a lot of money. We were used to a certain lifestyle and we had to greatly reduce it. We were doing better when I started a better job and kept my former job part time. He also worked over the summer and we were much happier as a couple when we didn't worry about money so much.

I still really want to sit down with Leaf and Flower and see if we can't work it out. I have known from the very beginning she didn't seem like a poly person. I don't think she understands what we want. I know Leaf still wants to be with both of us. I just don't know if he is capable of explaining it properly to her. He's not the best with words - that's me. I feel like if I could just talk to her then we wouldn't need this ultimatum at all. I want them to go through the NRE with me still by his side and then let us figure out the long term. She's not giving us that option right now.
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