Originally Posted by GalaGirl
Do I want to split? Hell, no!
But let's not be ostrich about it. The ultimate price of admission is a split. That price tag is ALWAYS there. Even in monoship, even in closed polyship of 2. That price tag is always there. If you stop tending to your partner's well being in the way you agreed to sign up to tend it? Watch that relationship wither and die on the vine. Your partner may exercise their right leave and choose to go. They do not have to choose to stay in a place where they are not fed.
They may even still love you and wish it could work. But loving you doesn't automatically mean staying with you. Feelings are separate from behavior. Perhaps it's healthier for them to love you from a distance.
I need this here. Living together during a split is not fun, but I am still managing to be a good friend and roommate, and mostly successful boundaries have been set in place.
We had a long talk yesterday, he mentioned a really bad depression and anxiety spiral he has gotten into. I listened to him and talked to him. Told him I am no longer giving unasked for advice, but that I will ALWAYS be there for help if he wants to ask for it.
Clarified with him why I am making the choice to not be together right now. He argued, saying it was my choice to be apart and that we could be together while he worked on it. I told him that we could go back together now and have three weeks of happy happy joy joy we didn't break up relief, and then old patterns would emerge again. I care enough about him that I need us to have a healthy and positive relationship for BOTH of us to want to get back together, and I don't think we can have that until he gets into a stable and dependable place. I asked how he planned on meeting my needs and helping me to keep my sanity if we were back together now, and he did not have an answer. I think he is more accepting of my reasoning now that I am framing it in terms of the hurt our relationship was causing me, because he does not want me to hurt.
I restated that if he does not get into a stable place for himself that we will always have these cycles of distance and pain from each other and that is not the kind of relationship I want to have with anybody. Struggles are valid, and I am there for support through them, but he needs to learn to hold some of his own baggage right now. He needs to learn how to make a plan and find a way to heal so these cycles do not continue. I am seeing some positive direction from him. I hope it continues. If not, I am glad I reaffirmed that I want distance physically and emotionally from him if he is not willing to do the self work. I don't want to stay around and sit on a bomb set to self destruct and I can't disarm it.
It is still painful, but I'm getting a better handle on the pain. I have started meditating again and I'm able to wrestle with those self-doubt demons when they start whispering in my ear.