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Old 10-18-2012, 02:48 PM
Sinensis Sinensis is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: North Carolina
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Well, first off, we talked about the chatting thing, and that's not even something they had discussed doing prior to him telling me about it. She's not terribly attached to the idea, so we agreed that was off the table, no biggie.

What's been interesting is my emotional reactions after he left and now that she's back. When I picked her up from the airport at first, while I was happy to see her, I also had this hard to pin down sadness and ache in my chest. For a passing moment, maybe the first half hour when she was back, I felt oddly distant, like I wasn't entirely sure it was her, or like I couldn't remember what our normal, easy bond felt like. I told her what I was feeling, and we talked and cuddled and the feeling passed, and we wound up having really awesome, wonderful, mind and heart melting sex, actually.

I feel fine now. But that was bizarre and frightening; it felt like a temporary kind of madness, like being suddenly plunged into and then out of some weird alternate reality. I think there are many factors that might be playing into this.

For one thing, I prepared heavily for the time when they'd actually be together, bracing myself emotionally and making sure to surround myself with friends and activities, but I really didn't give any thought to my aftercare. I just assumed if I got through the part of them actually having sex, I'd be fine. I'm not exactly sure how I could've prepared for this, but I know I didn't. In fact, a bit the opposite; I assumed I'd be elated when he left, so if anything I was emotionally "preparing" for the reverse. If I'm going to keep stretching that tree analogy, it's like I took off running when I hit the ground and then tripped over a root. :P

For another thing, I've been in the middle of some rapid med switches at the hands of a less than ideal psychiatrist--assigned by the university clinic--who I'm now finally leaving. (Background for that: the stress of my workload threw me into a form of minor depression at the beginning of this term. I was put on one med, which worked well but made me a bit anxious, and my shrink insisted we try another one (against my better judgement), and put me on a different med after just a few weeks, one that made me happy but completely erased my attention span and made it impossible for me to orgasm. I'm just now getting back onto the first med; started yesterday, actually.) It's quite possible that that's doing wonky things to my mood and how I process stuff, although that in itself frightens me a little. It makes me doubt my own accomplishment in getting this far in terms of our openness--was I really being strong and emotionally mature when she was away, or was that the drugs?

Then I remind myself to stop discrediting myself AGAIN (I should really get that tattooed somewhere on me), and also that the idea of a "happily poly" pill is pretty ridiculous, and I should probably assume that most if not all of the progress I've made is my own doing.

All that said, has anyone experienced or known someone else who experienced something like this? Even just in terms of being fine when they're actually together and then being sad for a bit after, or when they get back.

Last edited by Sinensis; 10-18-2012 at 02:51 PM.
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